Simple and Clean
by aplaceinthestars
Summary: Meryl finally reveals her less-than-perfect past to Vash.......not knowing that this past could be used against both of them. LAST CHAPTER NOW UP! 3-22
1. Prologue :: Simple

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
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Prologue :: Simple  
  
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When you walk away  
  
You don't hear me say please  
  
Oh baby, don't go  
  
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight  
  
It's hard to let it go  
  
[Hikaru Utada, Simple and Clean (English Remix)]  
  
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I honestly thought she wanted me to go. I was that blind. So sue me! That crazy little Insurance Girl doesn't let on one bit. She hides everything. So can you blame me? Besides, I'm not particularly used to women reciprocating my feelings, unless you'd count trying to cut off my head and drag my corpse to the sheriff a sign of attraction. And you might-I've seen stranger things in my years.  
  
But that's beside the point.  
  
Insurance Girl-Meryl-I can't even begin to explain her. Just when I think I figured it out, BAM! She goes and switches things around on me again. And then she hits me for not understanding! Crazy violent little woman, I don't know why-  
  
Actually, that's not true. I know very well WHY.  
  
Because she's MERYL, that's why. I simply love her because she's Meryl. I love her because she understands, even when she says she doesn't. She's one of the very few people on this dried up planet that doesn't assume anything about me. She's taken the time to get to know me, and I've done the same for her. Meryl and I...we're more alike than you might think. Of course, neither of us was quite perceptive enough to figure that out, but leave it to Milly to catch the little things. She knew more about Meryl than me, after all, having known her for so long. She told me things that truly scared me. I don't think I'll ever be able to get a few choice images out of my head. Her past is ugly. It's certainly not MINE, but it's ugly.  
  
She has a few scars herself...  
  
I couldn't get close to anyone for so long. I was so afraid. I'm still afraid. It can't be Forever. It can be a lifetime, but she's...I'm not...Nothing scares me more than the knowledge that even if we stay completely in love, even if I'm with her all her life, I'll have to see her die. And I'll live hundreds of years after that. But, she told me something I don't think I'll forget. And that's why I'll be with her as long as I can.  
  
She says I make her happy.  
  
She says I make her forget about those scars. 


	2. Chapter One :: Tsumetai

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
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Chapter One :: Tsumetai  
  
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Kizu tsuke au kurai ai shite ita (We loved each other so much it hurt)  
  
Yume wa zetsubou ni natta shinarnu uchi ni (Before we noticed, dreams turned into despair)  
  
Sashikomu hikari ga sukima kaze ga (The piercing light, the drafty wind)  
  
Nureta hoho no itaku shimi iru you (Hurts my wet cheeks, like it's trying to sink in)  
  
Dou shite ashita to iu hi wa atte (Anyway, there will still be a day called tomorrow)  
  
Nanika ga mitashite yuku no itsu no hi ka (Something will be fulfilled, someday)  
  
[The Brilliant Green, Tsumetai Hana]  
  
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It was about a month after I had come back with Knives that it all happened. Knives had been unconscious for the vast majority of that time, and completely immobile for the rest, leaving me with little to worry about from him. It might sound like I'm downplaying it, but you'll just have to trust me-I know my brother, and he might have poor ways of showing it, but I just know he can be a good person. Especially when he can't get out of bed.  
  
Sigh.  
  
But all homicidal siblings aside, that was probably the best time of my whole life. I finally...had someone. It might have taken me forever, but I did. And looking back on it, for all I went through, it was perfect. Perfect.  
  
- - -  
  
Meryl was sitting at her desk, tapping away at her typewriter. I had just come out of Knives's room when I heard the familiar sound stop. I turned the corner, glancing in at the small woman. "Hey, Insurance Girl-"  
  
I stopped. Something was wrong. She was staring out the window...It didn't seem like anything should have worried me, but I just had a terrible feeling when I saw her eyes, gazing so blankly into the sand. She was always so focused, and in that instant, with something only as simple as her sad eyes...I felt like I didn't know her at all.  
  
She turned around, looking somewhat startled. "Oh, it's you."  
  
I scowled. "That's a hell of a greeting."  
  
"It's the best you're getting," She muttered angrily as she turned away and started typing again.  
  
Fool that I am, I couldn't drop it there. I stepped closer, leaning on the back of Meryl's chair and peering out the glass pane in front of her. "What were you looking at?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"You were staring at NOTHING?"  
  
"It doesn't matter."  
  
I narrowed my eyes. Something in my subconscious told me that she very well knew how this little game affected me. Her little 'Go Ahead and Try' move, trying to make herself seem cold. It hurt. She covers herself up the way I always had to. "If it didn't matter, I wouldn't have asked, Insurance Girl." I leaned over farther.  
  
"Vash, I have work to do! Leave me alone!" She spun about for a better view- in other words, to better scream in my face-and I stepped back abruptly, fearing The Wrath of Little Insurance Girl. This shift of weight was just enough to tip her over (she's so light), landing her squarely on the floor with her overturned chair next to her. And I just stood there. "You..."  
  
"I'm sorry, I-"  
  
"YOU IDIOT!" She stood, preparing to hit me over the head with a book she grabbed off her desk.  
  
I cringed. "I'm sorry, Meryl!"  
  
She clenched her teeth and turned away from me. She picked up her chair and put her book down, sat down, and started typing again. "Go away, Vash." And as almost an afterthought: "You're good at that."  
  
I took a second to take that in. I'm good at-  
  
Oh, give me a BREAK, Insurance Girl...you make it so damn hard, you know? "I said I was sorry," I mumbled. "What more do you want? Crazy bitchy little short women-" Mistake.  
  
WHACK!  
  
That was a big book. A really big book. And a really big bruise, to boot. "What makes you think you can call me that, you big idiot?" She was readying for another swing at me. Now, I'd royally pissed her off with one or two or thirty of those kind of comments before, but I couldn't recall seeing that kind of anger in her eyes for a long time. Maybe that's why things just sorta fell out of my mouth that I didn't notice I was saying until afterwards.  
  
"That's really scary!" I started backing away from her.  
  
"Well you SHOULD be afraid, Mr. Vash the Idiot Stampede, because I-"  
  
"I swear your eyes change color when you get mad like that," She froze in mid-book-swing.  
  
"What did you say?" Her voice was quiet now. But it was that kind of psycho pent-up rage quiet. Calm before the storm.  
  
So naturally, I kept on talking. "I, err, I just meant that..."  
  
"That WHAT?" That book was coming awfully near my head again.  
  
"Well I just noticed that when you get all violent, that little bit of violet in your eyes just kinda...fades out. And they get really dark gray." I flinched. "Please don't kill me, Insurance Girl!"  
  
She sighed heavily. "Vash..."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You're an idiot." She threw the book hard at me, hitting me squarely in the chest and then falling to the floor with a resounding thunk. She walked silently back to the desk and started typing again, slower than usual.  
  
I watched her, surprised, and only mildly aware of the dull stinging from where the corner of the book had hit me good and hard. For a fraction of a second when she turned away, she looked sadder than I'd ever seen her. I wanted to run up to her and ask her what was wrong, but I decided that wouldn't get me much more than a book up my nose. I considered simply hugging her, maybe playing it off as just a friendly gesture, but I decided I might end up with a book in a worse place if I dared touch her. I always noticed she was sort of jumpy about that sort of thing. I never considered it much though.  
  
I kind of wish I had.  
  
Finally, I decided I had to say something. Best to keep it away from any suggestion that I might be concerned about her. She'd hate that. "I...I am sorry, Meryl. I guess it doesn't mater if you believe me." I turned to walk back to check on Knives, freezing in mid-step when she spoke.  
  
"It's okay, Vash."  
  
That was all she said...but it was enough. She never could be that cold for long. 


	3. Chapter Two :: Too Real

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
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Chapter Two :: Too Real  
  
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Now she's seeing things that come in our dreams at night  
  
She's a dreamer  
  
She doesn't know things will never be the same again  
  
She'll always be seventeen  
  
That girl has love  
  
That was too real to ever be fake  
  
That was too strong to ever be forgotten  
  
That girl has love  
  
[Rooney, That Girl Has Love]  
  
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I went back into Knives's room not long after that. I wasn't really sure what had just happened between us, but I didn't have a concussion, so I figured I was on the right track. I looked back out at Meryl quickly before leaving. She was typing again, in a way I could only describe as frantic. I shook my head and went in to see my brother. At least I had a firm enough grasp on why HE was so crazy. I smiled slightly and stepped into the room.  
  
Knives looked at me, glaring the usual Glare of Death at me. "Hello, Knives," I spoke up cheerfully.  
  
Glare.  
  
"Well, I was just in here, so you probably don't need anything, but i thought I'd check."  
  
Glare.  
  
"So...are you hungry? I could make you some soup."  
  
Glare.  
  
"Knives..." I rolled my eyes, exasperated. "I know you're angry, but you have to say SOMETHING or-"  
  
"Or WHAT?"  
  
I blinked, startled. Well, that was something. Sort of. "Or I won't know what you need," I said. "I'm taking care of you, remember?"  
  
"I don't need you. You're just like them." Another glare.  
  
"Fine," I replied calmly, standing. I'd been carrying on similar conversations with him for some weeks now. I'd learned quickly that arguing would help nothing.  
  
"Do you think you can ignore me forever? I'll get better eventually, Vash."  
  
I took a deep breath. This was true. Just because he couldn't get his hands on anything sharper than a spoon now didn't mean a few more weeks wouldn't bring trouble. "I want you to get better," I answered. "You know that."  
  
He stared at me for a few seconds. "You were fighting with that girl again."  
  
Oh, here we go. Next to the Glare of Death, this was Knives's favorite. "We weren't fighting, we were just...arguing." A fine distinction.  
  
"About what?"  
  
I stopped. "About..." Pause. "Well..."  
  
"You don't even remember, you fool." He narrowed his eyes. "You're no better than those worthless creatures. You fight over nothing." He turned away from me, staring at the blank wall beside him. "Even with those you claim to care about."  
  
"I'm not going to argue with you, Knives." I smiled. "I don't like arguing over nothing." With that I turned and left the room, not bothering to look back at the Glare of Death that I'm sure was being directed at me.  
  
Meryl was still typing. I heard the front door open, and I loud "I'm home!" came echoing through the house. Meryl glanced up for a fraction of a second and then went back to typing.  
  
"Hello, Milly," I greeted her, taking one of the grocery bags she was carrying into the kitchen.  
  
"Hello, Mr. Vash! Hello, senpai!" She grinned brightly at Meryl, who stopped typing long enough to look up and give a half-hearted wave. "How's Mr. Knives doing?"  
  
"Pretty well, I'd say," I gestured back to his door. "Not exactly cheerful, but I was only shooting for 'alive' anyway."  
  
"Well, that's good," Milly replied as she sorted through the groceries. "What about you, Mr. Vash? Are you all right?"  
  
Leave it to Milly to recognize whatever it was I was trying to hide. I didn't want to worry the girls-they had enough stress in their lives-but I hadn't been well lately. Nothing too terrible, just gross lack of sleep coupled with worrying about Knives constantly, plus having never had any actual professional care for my physical injuries (although both Milly and Meryl took care of me well enough). "I'm...all right." I was surprised to see Meryl stop typing and look over at me at this. I made a face of mock sorrow. "Although certain short insurance girls and their constant cruelty are doing nothing to speed my recovery!"  
  
"Recovery?" Meryl exclaimed, standing up with book in hand. "I'll give you something to recover from!"  
  
I screamed and cowered behind Milly, who just looked at me and giggled. "See what I mean?" I said meekly.  
  
Meryl was fuming again. "Vash, you idiot..." She balled her free hand into a fist. "You're so damn lucky I don't want to lose my job."  
  
Milly giggled again. "Senpai, leave poor Mr. Vash alone..."  
  
"POOR?" Her eyes went comically wide. "Yeah, because he's COMPLETELY defenseless-"  
  
"Don't hit me," I squeaked.  
  
"Idiot," She muttered again before she walked out of the room.  
  
"Senpai?" Milly watched her walk away, frowning. She looked back at me. "You sure know how to get senpai mad, don't you?"  
  
"It's not like I mean to," I replied, sounding a little sadder than I'd intended. "I just never say the right thing."  
  
"Well, I guess you could say that senpai just takes things the wrong way sometimes," She smiled knowingly. I didn't like that look.  
  
"What-what's that mean?"  
  
"Just that..." She paused. "Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but I think senpai is frustrated because there's...there's a lo of things she can't tell you." She looked sort of guilty. "But don't tell her I told you that, okay?"  
  
I wasn't sure how to respond to that. She was hiding things from me? She didn't trust me? Well Of course she didn't trust me, but...  
  
"Thank you, Milly. I think I understand now."  
  
She smiled. "I'm going to start dinner now, okay? Maybe you should talk to Meryl."  
  
I noted silently that Milly had called her by her name rather than 'senpai'. I looked down the hall where Meryl had disappeared. "I...I don't think that would be a good idea." I covered my worried expression with a goofy grin. "I don't want to get beat up again!"  
  
Milly just nodded. "All right, Mr. Vash, but I can't help wondering if she's expecting you."  
  
On that note, Milly left me to wonder once again what in the world was going on in this crazy little house. I looked down the corridor again. The room Meryl and Milly shared was the last door on the right. I stared at it. The hall had never looked so long. It had been a very, very long time since I had really talked to Meryl. That night so long ago...it didn't even seem real any more.  
  
She sang that same song...  
  
We sat on that cliff for hours. She asked me why I was leaving. I don't remember what I said, but I remember that it was a lie. I couldn't have told her the truth, because...well, because then she would have known the truth. It hurt to lie to her. But it hurt worse to think about how hard it would have been to leave if she knew I was doing it because I was worried about her.  
  
All that was so long ago now. Now we were living under the same roof, if only because she had to keep me "under constant surveillance". Now she was always just a door away from me at night. But it didn't feel like it. It felt like it always had-like she was so distant. I had always had the nagging notion in the back of my mind that I knew nothing about her, but now, thanks to Milly's cryptic comment, I felt like I was living with a stranger. I kept staring down the hallway for a long time before I started walking towards her room.  
  
I knocked lightly on her door. "Hey Meryl?"  
  
I could practically see her glaring at me through the door. "What do you want?"  
  
"I want to talk to you," I said simply.  
  
There was a long pause. "Come in."  
  
I opened the door slowly, peering in. Meryl sat at the small desk next to her bed. She didn't seem to be doing anything but sitting. "I...I just wanted to make sure you're not mad at me."  
  
She shot me a look. "When am I NOT mad at you?"  
  
"You know what I mean, Meryl."  
  
"Just leave me alone." She never looked up.  
  
Feeling bold (or stupid), I walked over and sat on her bed next to where she sat at the desk. "Meryl, I don't want you to be mad at me." She looked over at me, finally, and I could tell she knew I was serious because her face fell from angry to just highly irritated.  
  
"I'm not mad at you, okay? Now you can leave." She looked down at the desk.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
I watched her for a minute, taking careful note of her movements. She looked...nervous. Very un-Meryl-like. She fidgeted with the ends of her sleeves, drummed her fingers on her desk, brushed a stray piece of raven black hair away from her eyes. "Really?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Do you remember that time you sat with me all night?" I finally asked bluntly. "You know, back before...everything."  
  
She stared at me in disbelief. "Of course," She said. "But why?"  
  
"I was just wondering," I replied, shrugging. "I was just thinking how nice it was to actually spend time with you like that." Another shocked-beyond- belief stare. "You know, that was the only time we really talked, I guess."  
  
"Vash," Her voice started calm and quickly rose into somewhat defensive anger. "What the hell are you trying to accomplish? You're not winning any points here so just leave me alone."  
  
"Wha...? I wasn't-"  
  
"I asked you to leave me alone."  
  
"Meryl, please-" I reached over to put my hand on her shoulder...  
  
She flinched.  
  
At first I thought I must be imagining it. She couldn't have. But she had- very quickly, and tried to hide it afterwards, but I saw it. I know it doesn't sound like much, and if Milly hadn't said anything to me minutes earlier, maybe I would have assumed it was nothing. I didn't even know where to begin. I probably shouldn't mention it; it would probably only embarrass her-"Did you just flinch?" ...I should mention that rational thoughts such as those previously mentioned never quite seem to make it there on time.  
  
She waved my hand away flippantly. "Of course not."  
  
If I wasn't bothered before, now I really was. She was denying it, flat out, right after I saw her do it? "Yes you did."  
  
"That's stupid, Vash. Why would I flinch?"  
  
I stared at her. "I don't know."  
  
"Then will you PLEASE leave me alone now, you big idiot?"  
  
"I-err, yeah." I stood up to leave. "I'm sorry I bothered you." Without waiting for a response I practically ran out of the room. Not ready to face Milly's questions-or maybe just afraid of what I might accidentally ask HER- I walked straight across the hall into Knives's room.  
  
He glanced over at me, looked amused. "At it again?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Your thoughts are all jumbled and running together, brother. That silly human worries you." He smirked. "If only you'd allowed me to get rid of her- "  
  
"Don't talk like that, Knives." I looked angrily at him.  
  
"About killing her? Or about the fact that she worries you?"  
  
"Either," I muttered, not really caring whether or not he heard me. "Something's very wrong."  
  
"Why are you telling me this?" It sounded like a genuine curiosity, and one for which I had absolutely no answer.  
  
"I don't know." I walked back to the door, adding as I left, "Forget I said anything."  
  
I wandered back into the kitchen where Milly was concocting...something...for dinner. I sat at our small table and looked over at her. She didn't say anything, but I got the feeling she wasn't ignoring me. I never wanted this to happen. This was why I had tried to get away from the two of them for all that time. I didn't want to get this close...especially to Meryl. But now...now I was sure that whatever was going on with Meryl was about to spill out all over the place and I was without a doubt going to be the first one to get in over my head and drown. Sink like a rock. Probably drag them all down with me.  
  
I watched Meryl walk into the kitchen. She didn't look at me, and I got the feeling she WAS ignoring me. 


	4. Chapter Three :: Spider's Web

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
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Chapter Three :: Spider's Web  
  
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You're just an innocent  
  
A helpless victim of a spider's web  
  
And I'm an insect  
  
Going after anything that I can get  
  
So you better turn your head and run  
  
and don't look back  
  
'Cause I fear  
  
There is nothing left to say to you  
  
That you wanna hear  
  
That you ought to know  
  
I think I should go  
  
The things I've done are way too shameful  
  
[Maroon 5, Tangled]  
  
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Meryl picked up her coat, looking deliberately past me at Milly. "I'm going out."  
  
"But senpai, I already went to the store..."  
  
"I know," Meryl responded with a fake sigh of exasperation. "I forgot to tell you to pick up a few things. I'll be back soon."  
  
"Senpai, dinner's almost done. You could wait-"  
  
"No," She answered quickly. "I'll be fine."  
  
"All right." Milly frowned worriedly for a moment before turning back to her cooking.  
  
I glanced over at her, now completely sure she was up to something (in one way or another). "It's supposed to rain tonight, you know."  
  
She glared coldly at me. "Your point?"  
  
"I dunno." I shrugged. "Take an umbrella. You don't want to get sick, do you?"  
  
"I don't care," She snapped at me. "And I don't need you watching over me, got it?"  
  
I stared blankly at her. "It was just a suggestion."  
  
Milly looked back and forth between us. "Senpai, Mr. Vash...please don't fight..."  
  
"I'm not FIGHTING, Milly!" Meryl exclaimed. "It's not my fault that certain people do not know when to shut up and mind their own business!"  
  
"I'm still in the room, ya know?" I made the most pitiful face I could come up with.  
  
"Another unfortunate consequence of this whole mess you've gotten us into!" She clenched her fists but didn't take a swing at me.  
  
"Then I suppose it would be better if I left?" I asked seriously, watching Meryl fume. She didn't answer, so I stood. "Well maybe that's not such a bad idea." I walked to the door, struggling to keep from laughing out loud, and walked out of the house.  
  
I waited just outside the door.  
  
Five  
  
four  
  
three-  
  
The door swung open. "Wait, Vash don't-"  
  
I looked over at Meryl and grinned like a lunatic. "Miss me?"  
  
"You-" She stammered, clearly flustered. "How could you do that to me?" She punched me in the arm.  
  
I stifled a laugh. She's gonna beat me up now is she? "I couldn't resist, Insurance Girl."  
  
"Leaving Milly and I with that brother of yours..."  
  
Wait...THAT'S where this sudden display of concern was coming from? Figures. "So if he wasn't here," I leaned back against the house, looking sideways at the petite woman. "You wouldn't care? What if I left now and took him with me? You'd be okay with that?"  
  
"And why WOULDN'T I be?"  
  
"I don't know," I sad honestly. Maybe I had just gotten my hopes up about her. "I thought that after all this time, things would be different."  
  
I heard the door close but I didn't look over at her. "Different...?"  
  
"Well it has been a while since we met, hasn't it?" I turned to face her. "We've gotten to know each other and-"  
  
"You know NOTHING about me," Meryl quickly interjected.  
  
I was taken aback at this. At the truth of it. I nodded slowly. "I guess you're right," I conceded. "But...you know a lot about me, don't you? More than most people."  
  
She looked away from me. Guiltily? Couldn't be. After a heavy silence, she stepped towards me and-much to my shock-grabbed my hand. My real hand. And then-much to my horror-she traced a finger along the scar etched across it. "Scars," She said quietly.  
  
I jerked my hand away. "Stop that."  
  
"Why? I've seen them before." Now she was string at me with that LOOK. That violet silver give-in-to-me look. She grabbed my hand again. "Why does it bother you, Vash?"  
  
"Because," I said, embarrassed. I pulled away again. "I told you before, that's not something I want people to see." Particularly not YOU, I added silently.  
  
She nodded. "What did Milly tell you about me?" She finally asked.  
  
I blinked, surprised. I guess I had forgotten just how observant Meryl was. I mentally scolded myself. I always knew she was so much more..."Nothing," I said flatly.  
  
"You're lying," She replied, equally deadpan. "But I guess I shouldn't care."  
  
I rolled my eyes. "She said there's a lot of stuff you didn't want to tell me. But that's all. Really." She grabbed my hand. "Hey! I said stop that-"  
  
She narrowed her eyes at me.  
  
And suddenly it made sense. She dropped my hand. "You're not the only one with scars, Vash," She murmured.  
  
Maybe it was my own dumb boldness, or maybe it was the quick glimpse of Milly spying out the window and quickly disappearing again that made me do it. I don't really know. But I did. I grasped her hand again and gave it a quick squeeze. "Neither are you."  
  
She smiled at me, and it could have been my imagination, but it sure looked like she blushed. "Thank you, Vash," I barely heard her say.  
  
I smiled down at her. She really could be so sweet. Why she seemed to prefer random violence (most notably directed at me) was something I could never understand. As I stood there holding her hand, everything suddenly felt RIGHT. I wanted to stand in silence, just enjoying the rare moment, but naturally...I just couldn't do that. She must have known it too, because something in her unusually tranquil expression flickered just before I spoke. "You know...I wish you could tell me what's wrong, Meryl."  
  
She shook her head, laughing that painfully false Meryl laugh. "Vash, you're so dramatic. Nothing's wrong." She pulled her hand away and turned to open the door.  
  
"Are you sure?" I asked again. "You said-"  
  
"Vash," She shook her head, clearly frustrated. "You just don't get it, do you?"  
  
I blinked at her stupidly, incredible broom-headed moron that I am. "Get...what?"  
  
"If I wanted you to know what was wrong, I would have told you. It is absolutely none of your business." She didn't look particularly mad, which threw me off even further. She looked...miserable. "I don't want to tell you. Is that so hard to understand? Just because my job has forced me into this little arrangement does NOT mean that you and I are friends all the sudden, got it?" She gritted her teeth and looked away from me. "I hope you don't think I actually WANT to be here with you," She practically hissed. "Because anywhere YOU are is the last place on this sorry planet I want to be." With that she stormed inside, slamming the door behind her.  
  
And locking it.  
  
Damn it all, Insurance Girl. This isn't worth it. You're not worth it, and being abused at all hours of the day isn't worth it. You're bitchy and confusing and downright mean. I'm an assignment to you and nothing else but a colossal pain in the ass. Well Insurance Girl, you're not so easy to deal with yourself sometimes. You can be a really selfish person sometimes. And that makes no sense, because I know you're not like that. You're NOT.  
  
I hate you. I love you with all my heart, Insurance Girl, but I really, really hate you right now. I suppose I'm not supposed to say that, right?  
  
Sorry.  
  
But you frustrate me, you aggravate me, you BEAT ME UP for crying out loud.  
  
Why do I love you so much?  
  
IF YOU'D OPEN THE DAMN DOOR MAYBE I'D REMEMBER! 


	5. Chapter Four :: Wasurenai Kara

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
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Chapter Four :: Wasurenai Kara  
  
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Te o nobaseba todoiteta hohoemi wa hakanakute (If I stretch out my hand, the smile I reach is fleeting)  
  
Me o tojireba ude no naka de kieteiku kimi o (If I close my eyes, I want to hold)  
  
Mou ichido dakitakute (Your vanishing body once more in my arms)  
  
Ano toki, ano basho de deatta koto o wasurenai kara... (Because I can't forget that time, that place where we met...)  
  
[Gackt :: Emu~For My Dear~]  
  
-------------------------  
  
After that, I sat on the porch for a long time. I quickly realized that I was relying on Milly to notice that Meryl had locked me out.  
  
So I just sat there while it started raining, resigned to my fate. It would be a while. It was cold too, damn it.  
  
At first, I just curled up and stared at my feet like an angry child. What was her problem anyway? She'd let on just enough for me to worry, and then pull away. Didn't she understand that she was HURTING me? Looking back, I suppose that was a stupid thing to assume, but it really doesn't matter. It hurt. It hurt so badly to know that she was suffering, and to know that I couldn't help her because she didn't trust me. She didn't want me to know. All my anger at her had drained away into worry.  
  
What if something really bad had happened to her? She said she was scarred. Physically? Emotionally? Did someone hurt her? I just couldn't take the thought of someone treating her badly...And yes, I realize the absurdity of it all. Acting as if she was defenseless. She never was. She's such a strong person, and I love her for it...but I think I remember when I first had the idea that she was always acting just a tiny bit stronger that she felt. Just before I left-to save my brother-I hugged her.  
  
It's stupid. It's sappy. But she felt so delicate. It was only for a second, between when she stiffened completely with shock and then started flailing around trying to get away from me-there was a second or two where I could feel her relax. I know she smiled. And she so much smaller than me anyway, but right then...I can't even explain it.  
  
I guess that's where I got the idea. Stupid, huh?  
  
I looked over at the door. Maybe if I knocked, Milly would let me in. Then again, I wasn't really sure I wanted to go in there. I'd probably take one look at Meryl and burst into tears or something equally as melodramatic and...well...like me.  
  
Which brought me back to my original jumble of miserable thoughts: What was WRONG?  
  
If she could just give me a hint or SOMETHING. I wanted to know, I wanted to help her...but that was all an invasion to her. You don't get a much more direct answer than 'I don't want you to know'. And I still couldn't let it go.  
  
The door opened and there, again, was Meryl. I didn't look at her. "Hey," She said gruffly. "Are you just going to sit out here all night?"  
  
"What do you care?"  
  
"I don't." She threw something at me (per usual) but I was surprised to find that this was not yet another of her daily attacks on me. A blanket. She actually threw me a blanket. "But I also don't feel like having to take care of your stupid ass when you get sick from sitting out in the rain, you moron!"  
  
I finally looked over at her. I was completely drenched and now had a blanket half-hanging off my head. I'm sure I was quite the sight. "That was almost nice of you," I mumbled.  
  
She kept staring at me angrily. "Come inside," She said, obviously annoyed. "You're soaked." I studied her face for a moment. What was she hiding? Everything, probably. If she would just let me in the tiniest bit, maybe I could figure it out... "What are you staring at?"  
  
"You."  
  
"Well knock it off."  
  
"Meryl...come here. Please." I tried my best not to sound like I was rushing her for answers-although that may have been exactly what I did.  
  
"Just because you want to freeze out here doesn't mean I have to," She grumbled. Then a beat of silence. Then she came and sat next to me.  
  
Ah, that was it. I knew I loved her for a reason.  
  
"What is it, Vash?"  
  
Before I spoke, I wrapped the blanket around both of us. She looked uneasy at this, but didn't protest. "I want to know what's wrong, Meryl." She started to object, but I shushed her quickly. "LISTEN, Meryl. Whether you like it or not, I feel close to you, okay? And...I don't want you to be in pain. If I could help-" I broke off suddenly. No. She wasn't. She couldn't be...  
  
She was crying.  
  
She was definitely crying, and trying to hide it as well. What the hell...? I swear that girl jumps from emotion to emotion like she's doing it specifically to weird me out. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't know what to do...If I said anything, she'd know that her attempts at trying to cover her tears had failed, and that would only upset her more. "Please, Meryl...I want to help you. That's my only reason, and I-"  
  
"How hard is it to understand?" She whispered, barely audible. "I just can't tell you."  
  
"Yes you can," I insisted gently, putting an arm around her shoulders. "You can tell me anything."  
  
"Vash, you don't understand." Her voice sounded so soft and sad...I could feel my eyes welling up with tears, but I knew she'd just make fun of me for crying, even if it was over her. She was leaning against me. "It only makes it worse."  
  
"Please, Meryl," I pleaded, holding her a little tighter. "I can't stand seeing you like this."  
  
"But if I tell you..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Then I'll have to tell you why this is all starting NOW..."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And I can't do that."  
  
"You don't have to tell me why it's happening now," I said, reaching up to stroke her hair. "Just why it's happening at all would be enough."  
  
"No," She whispered, sounding sad and angry and frustrated and everything cool-headed Meryl shouldn't be. "You should know."  
  
"I can't know until you tell me."  
  
"But...you couldn't understand-"  
  
"How do you know that?" I interrupted, maybe a little more harshly than I had intended. "Maybe I would understand. Maybe-"  
  
"It's a terrible feeling..."  
  
"What?" I blinked in surprise at this. Was she actually going to tell me...?  
  
"Knowing exactly what you want and being too afraid to so much as find out if you can have it." She looked up at me. "I've never been close to anyone in my life-"  
  
"You thought I wouldn't understand THAT?" I looked at her with disbelief.  
  
She started to speak again, but stopped. She paused for a long time before leaning against me slightly and answering. "Silly, isn't it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes it is," She laughed humorlessly. "It's ridiculous."  
  
I felt her shiver as she fell in to silence beside me. "Maybe we should go inside," I suggested. "Aren't you cold?"  
  
"I'm fine," She assured me quickly. "Besides...I think I like talking to you like this." She smiled a little. "I missed it."  
  
Now I was feeling a little nervous myself. "I...I did too." Smile. Look happy. Don't panic. Panic is bad. Very-not-good-bad.  
  
"But Vash, what I wanted to tell you..."  
  
Smart one that I am, I failed to notice that I'd interrupted her when she'd FINALLY started telling me what was wrong. "Go on," I said.  
  
"A...a lot of things have happened to me that I've never told anyone. And I don't think I can tell you right now, because...well, I just can't," She practically rambled, speaking quickly and stumbling over every other word. She wouldn't look me in the eye. "But I guess you could say I've developed a fear of...of..."  
  
"Of being close to people?" I finished, hesitantly.  
  
She hugged her knees to her chest and stared at her feet, answering after what seemed like an eternity. "That's it."  
  
"That is a terrible feeling," I said, leaning back against the house with a sigh. "And I wish I could tell you how to get over it, but I can't." I looked up at the darkening sky. "I've had to deal with that feeling for over a hundred years, you know."  
  
"I...I'm sorry." She rested her forehead on her knees. "It's stupid for me to be complaining then, isn't it?"  
  
"Of course not!" I exclaimed. "I didn't mean to..."  
  
"Don't worry about it." She started to stand but I grabbed her wrist and pulled her back to me.  
  
"Meryl-"  
  
"Let me go!" She yelled sharply, putting a remarkable amount of force into breaking away from me and dashing inside.  
  
I had the feeling she hadn't locked me out this time, but I didn't care. I was so startled by her outburst that I was nearly shaking. Meryl yelled at me and stormed off on a regular enough basis-that wasn't the problem. But when I grabbed her, she had looked more than angry. I couldn't have timed it, for it dissipated so quickly, but in the instant I gave that little tug on her arm, she had looked at me FEARFULLY. There was NOTHING quite so painful as thinking that she was scared of me. First she had flinched, and now this. Although something deep within me said that this had nothing to do with her feelings toward me, I just couldn't shake it. What a completely miserable thought.  
  
Someone I love so much being afraid of me. But it wasn't ME-it was something about what I had done that had triggered...whatever it was that was bothering her. But WHAT? And why was this fear of hers suddenly showing itself?  
  
Frustrating. So damn frustrating.  
  
I knew I should probably tell her how I felt about her. But...what can I say? I was terrified. If I told her, she'd either laugh in my face, or simply be horrified beyond all belief. Or worse...we might actually be together. Even if I was with her for her whole life, it would be so unspeakably painful.. I'd have to see her die.  
  
Of course at the rate we were going, one of us would probably witness the death of the other anyway.  
  
I always knew that eventually the fact that I was too unique for my own good would come around to stare at me and laugh in my face. I just didn't think it would have to come like this.  
  
Funny how similar our problems were, I guess.  
  
Funny how we didn't notice. 


	6. Chapter Five :: More Than I'd Ever Be

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Chapter Five :: More Than I'd Ever Be  
  
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My apathy is tragedy  
  
I'm content to stay inside  
  
This emptiness is killing me  
  
I can run but I can't hide  
  
And you loved me all along  
  
When I always did you wrong  
  
That's the time I can't forget  
  
And it fills me with regret always  
  
when you think that you have won  
  
Then your heartache's just begun  
  
Blue period, black comedy  
  
Love's a clown, now laugh my way  
  
I think of you  
  
Much more than I'd ever be willing to say  
  
[The Smithereens :: Blue Period]  
  
-------------------------  
  
I sat out there for hours. I was too busy drowning in my own thoughts at that point. I vaguely remember Milly leaning outside for a moment to ask me if I wanted something to eat. I must have responded with something negative enough, because she went back inside, worried-Milly-look on her face. I did finally drag my wet carcass back inside eventually, late but still early enough for me to go check on Knives before he went to sleep...if he ever did really sleep when he said he did. No telling.  
  
I wandered in, looking as if I'd been washed downstream, and found only Meryl awake, sitting stiffly at her desk and typing away. I walked straight past her to Knives's room and found him staring blankly at the ceiling of his dark room.  
  
"Hey there," I said. "How're you feeling?"  
  
"I'm fine. You know that."  
  
Knives? Blunt? Never. I sighed. "Did you get anything to eat?"  
  
"Milly brought me food since you were outside moping."  
  
I noted with some little demented amusement that he used Milly's name- something he'd never done before. "That was nice of her."  
  
"It wasn't necessary."  
  
"But you ate it anyway?"  
  
Dead silence.  
  
Gotcha, Knives. I always could. "Well, maybe you should learn to appreciate things like this as they come."  
  
"I don't believe you're entirely competent to advise me in such a way."  
  
"Maybe not," I said. "But that doesn't change that it's true."  
  
"Did you come in here to argue?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then what?"  
  
"I was just checking on you."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
I forced a smile. "Okay then! That's good. I'll see you in the morning then!" I walked out of the room, not bothering to listen to whatever response he threw at me as I left. Through the slightly open door across the hall I could see Milly curled up contentedly, already fast asleep. No sign of Meryl though. I guessed she must still be working. This was soon confirmed by the frantic sounds of typing from the adjoining room. I walked in and sat a safe enough distance from her-what I like to call being out of the Zone (of anything she decides to start chucking at me).  
  
"I'm sorry, Vash." Her voice came very suddenly, striking me hard and without warning. The typing stopped.  
  
"Sorry?" I asked quietly. "For what?"  
  
"For...yelling at you. Outside."  
  
"Oh, that was nothing, Meryl. You don't have to-"  
  
"Yes," She interjected harshly. "Yes I do. And I'm sorry."  
  
I blinked a few times. "Err...apology accepted, I guess."  
  
She sighed. "That's all I wanted to hear." Back to the chaotic clicking of her fingers over her typewriter.  
  
"And...Meryl?"  
  
"Yes?" She didn't look up from her work as she spoke.  
  
"If you ever want to finish telling me...whatever it was you were telling me..." I paused. Her typing stopped but she said nothing. "You know I'll listen."  
  
"I don't need you to fix me, Vash."  
  
"I'm not trying to," I insisted. "But if something's hurting you, you can't just bury it down and wait for it to go away."  
  
"There's not a hell of a lot else I can do, Vash,"  
  
I'm trying here, Insurance Girl. I wish you would notice how hard I'm trying. I groaned. She was not going to do this on her own and frankly, why would she want to? And so, I, Vash the Idiot, made it my goal to get through to the one and only Derringer Meryl. I walked over to her and firmly panted my hands on her shoulders. "Why do you think I'm worrying about this at all?"  
  
"Let go of me," She growled through clenched teeth.  
  
"Most people would not put up with being pushed away for this long, but do you know why I keep doing it?" I didn't realize at the time that I was practically screaming in her face.  
  
But, not to worry, because she screamed right back. "LET ME GO!"  
  
"Answer me!"  
  
"I said LET ME-"  
  
"I LOVE YOU, THAT'S WHY!"  
  
"-go."  
  
Then there was the quickest beat of silence that lasted for CENTURIES. She stared at me, completely in shock. I stared back at her, equally stunned at what had just come flying out of my mouth. Years of built up tension suddenly spilled over, explosively, corroding away any rational thoughts as it flowed along. I could see in her eyes that she'd been completely washed away in it, hit with it full force, and was now doing her best to flounder back to any sort of coherent thought.  
  
"What...what did you say?" And then it washed back on me.  
  
I had to say it again? That figures. Insurance Girl, you never let me off easy, do you? "I said I...I'm worried about you because...I love you."  
  
"No." She shook her head.  
  
What NOW, Insurance Girl? GIMME A BREAK, WOULD YOU? "Yes. I-I do-"  
  
"You CAN'T."  
  
This isn't funny any more. Not one bit. You know what happens when you get me frustrated like this? I start yelling things like 'I love you', THAT'S WHAT. Now you're even pushing me away after that? Forget it. Forget it all. I think I've had enough of subtlety (if you can even call it that after all this time). "Yes," I said leaning in very close to her. "I CAN." I pulled her towards me and kissed her.  
  
Her immediate reaction was to pull away from me, but I had managed to wrap her in my arms in such a way that she couldn't get away QUITE that easily. Very slowly she started to relax, until finally I could feel her arms creeping around me and her mouth soften against mine. Finally I pulled away from her, still fully prepared to be severely injured. She looked deep, no, lost completely in thought. Her eyes were closed. She stayed leaned in close to me for a long time without saying anything. "Vash," She whispered at last, her breath tickling the side of my neck. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Her head fell to rest on my shoulder. "Taking advantage of me like that," She continued to murmur, her tone not at all matching her words. "You're such a...a..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't know." She fell silent. A few minutes later: "Vash?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I love you too."  
  
I smiled, holding her tightly.  
  
I guess you'd call it a step in the right direction. 


	7. Chapter Six :: Wounds

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
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Chapter Six :: Wounds  
  
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jikan nante mono wa totemo toki toshite zankoku de  
  
demo sono zankokusa yue ni ima ga tsukurarete  
  
hito o motome yamanai no wa isshun no kaihou ga  
  
yagate otozureru kyoufu ni katte iru kara  
  
ashimoto de yurete iru hana ni sae kidzukanai mama de  
  
toori sugite kita watashi wa kagami ni mukaenaku natte iru  
  
kyou no ureshikatta kao kyou no kanashikatta kao  
  
kinou iyasareta kizu to kyou fukaku hiraita kizu o  
  
anata nara dare ni misete'ru watashi nara dare ni misereba ii  
  
(Time is sometimes a cruel thing, but the present is made by that cruelty. Unceasingly searching for someone, an instant of release soon triumphs over the visiting fear. As I don't even notice the flowers shaking before my feet, I can't even look at myself in the mirror.  
  
Today's happy face, today's sad face.  
  
Yesterday's healed wounds and today's deeply opened wounds.  
  
If it's you, who are you showing it to? If it's me, who should I show it to?)  
  
[Ayumi Hamasaki :: Trauma]  
  
-------------------------  
  
This was supposed to be what I always wanted. I scooped Meryl up in my arms and flopped down on the couch, leaving both of us in a rather undignified heap. But she didn't budge and neither did I. It was too perfect, too suddenly real to pull away from. I could feel my arm going numb in it's place around Meryl's waist, but what did I care? That might have been the only thing assuring me this wasn't just a dream anyway. I leaned back, and she went smoothly with me, until she was sort of half-laying on top of me. She seemed comfortable---something I hadn't seen for a very long time. But the little nagging voice of reason wouldn't let me go so easily.  
  
What was wrong? What had hurt her so badly?  
  
As if in reply to my worries, I felt a warm drop slide down my neck. She was crying-not just a little, and not trying to hide it. I'd never seen her like this. Her arms tightened around me as her small body shook with sobs. "I'm sorry, Vash," She mumbled between her gasping breaths.  
  
"Don't be sorry," I whispered back, holding her tightly to me. "You have nothing to apologize for."  
  
"Vash, I've lied to you for so long. I never..." She sniffled. "I never told you..."  
  
I hushed her. "It's all over now." I stroked her hair lightly. "It doesn't matter." I kissed the side of her neck and tried not to smile when I felt her shiver. "I love you."  
  
"No, Vash..." She pounded a fist weakly against my chest. "It...it hurts too badly..."  
  
Here it comes, I thought. Sort of ironic how I'd been trying so hard to get her to tell me this, and now that she was about to, I just wanted to hide. "What hurts?" I forced myself to ask.  
  
"Vash, I've never...I've never loved someone like you..."  
  
That stung a little. "Meryl I know I'm sort of different, but I-"  
  
"Not that," She said with a humorless laugh. "I've just...never had someone love me back before." Her hands twisted absently at the hem of my shirt, and I had told hold my breath more than a few times when her warm hands brushed against my back.  
  
"Are you scared?" I asked softly, already knowing the answer.  
  
"I never told you anything about my life, have I?"  
  
"Well, no-"  
  
"I should have," She said, very quietly. "I can't expect you to understand why I sometimes treat you the way I do without you knowing." Her eyes filled with tears again as I fought back my own.  
  
"You can tell me anything," I assured her again.  
  
She started slowly, hesitantly. "My real father died when I was six," She finally began. "Sometimes I think he was the only one in my family that ever really, truly loved me. My two older brothers were protective of me, but it seemed like they just felt obligated to because no one else would. My mother...she tried so hard, but she was too young, and she couldn't...she just didn't know how to handle it-me and my brothers I mean. And besides that, she had a way of finding the worst possible men and then bringing them into the house one by one to wreak who-knows-what kind of havoc."  
  
She sounded...bitter.  
  
The complete opposite of anything she ever said.  
  
"My mother finally remarried about two years later. To this day I can't figure out why." She fell suddenly silent again.  
  
I didn't know what to do other than lightly kiss the top of her head and tell her again that I loved her.  
  
A moment later she continued. "That man hated everyone. He hated me, he hated my brothers, and he hated my mother. The older of my brothers moved out soon after that because he couldn't take it any more. I hated him for it. He could have helped us all, but he didn't. He ran for it, and I never heard from him again. And while he ran, my stepfather was practically killing the rest of us. He beat my mother badly. I saw him do it-once he figured out I knew, he started hitting me too. My brother caught him at it once. He went off completely and attacked him..." Another trailing into awkward quiet.  
  
What could I say? She was pouring her heart out to me, and I was sitting in dumbstruck silence. Finally I managed, "Did he ever stop?"  
  
"Never," She answered flatly. "And when you grow up in a place like that, you don't know how to stick up for yourself. So I did the only thing I could think of, the one way of escape I'd learned from my brother-I ran away." She paused, her hands falling away from my back. "I was only sixteen." She laughed, somehow a horribly sad sound. "I got the idea in my head that if I could just run far enough, I'd find someone that would care about me. Someone I could be happy with."  
  
"And did you?" Sure, it was the stupidest question ever, but I couldn't get anything else in my head to congeal into a real thought, so I went with it.  
  
"Eventually," She said, running a finger along the back of my neck. I couldn't help smiling like an idiot at this, but it soon faded. "Unfortunately, that's not who I found first."  
  
I sighed. "I'm so sorry, Meryl."  
  
She shook her head. "I was as stupid as my mother. Not only did I find the worst man on the planet, but I blamed myself for every single horrible thing he did to me," She paused, sighing deeply. "For two years."  
  
I cringed. Now was the part where I just wanted to cover my ears and say 'sorry I asked'. But I couldn't. I couldn't do that to her...my poor Meryl. I wove my fingers deep into her raven black hair. "How could someone treat you so badly...?"  
  
"He resented me because I wouldn't give him what he wanted. I wouldn't be his perfect little doll. I couldn't look, think, and act like this sick little fantasy he had created. And he was obviously far more enthusiastic about a physical relationship than I was," Her voice caught suddenly in her throat. "So much so that after a few months of being refused, he just went ahead and took what he wanted-" She broke off abruptly, burying her face in my chest. "I've never been so ashamed of anything in my life, Vash."  
  
I felt tears start falling from my eyes and I didn't bother trying to hold them back anymore. "Meryl, you shouldn't be ashamed. He forced you-"  
  
"I then I stayed with him!" She practically wailed, tearing at my heart painfully. "For over a year! And he just kept doing it, over and over!" She balled her fist and pounded harmlessly against my shoulder. "I let him, rather than try to fight him off."  
  
"It's not your fault," I repeated. "And you left him eventually, didn't you?"  
  
"He left me," She mumbled gruffly. "Apparently I 'couldn't do anything right', so he went off to abuse someone else."  
  
I held her tighter. "Meryl, don't blame yourself for any of this. You've...you've been treated so badly." My head fell onto her shoulder, and we both cried in each others arms for...I don't even know how long. Time didn't exist when we sat like that. I could feel her pain so clearly, he absolute anguish over her past. She wanted to forget everything she'd done, she wanted to start over, she wanted to just be given a chance, she wanted-  
  
She wanted exactly what I'd been wanting for one hundred years.  
  
"Vash..." She sobbed. "Ever since then-since I went through all that chaos- all I've wanted is to be normal. I wanted structure. I wanted everything to be right. And then I met you, and I felt like I was falling back into that trap again."  
  
I bit my lip hard. "I'd never hurt you. You know that." I paused. "Don't you?"  
  
"Of course," She said. "But...but subconsciously, I'm just so afraid of being in love that...that I can barely stand being with you."  
  
"You're with me now, aren't you?"  
  
She fell into complete silence. "Vash, thank you." She squeezed me tightly. "You don't know how much you mean to me."  
  
I buried my face in her silky hair, tears still staining my face. "I promise you'll never have to feel like that again Meryl," I held her tightly, practically clinging to her, horrified and angry and sad and completely overwhelmed. "I'll never let you get hurt like that again." 


	8. Chapter Seven :: Dawn

A/N :: IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!! Okay, I haven't updated in a million years, so here it is. Hmm, also...I haven't exactly decided what's going on in the next chapter yet...so reviews and suggestions would be appreciated ;)  
  
I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Chapter Seven :: Dawn  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
yoake ni hohoemu kimi ga oshietekureta ano uta o utaitsuzuke  
  
hoshizora ni kaeru namida o kazoeteta  
  
nando mo nando mo tada kurikaeshiteita yoru  
  
fukaku fukaku genzai mo  
  
sou...aishiteiru  
  
(I keep singing that song that you taught me, smiling in the dawn  
  
We were counting the tears that returned to the starry sky  
  
That night just repeated over and over again  
  
Deeply deeply even now  
  
Yes...I love you)  
  
[Gackt :: Hoshi no Suna]  
  
-------------------------  
  
I was a fool. I was a complete and utter fool to think that Knives wasn't a problem anymore. But I did...I so honestly believed I'd changed him, I'd SAVED him like Rem told me to...  
  
Rem was an idealist, pure and simple. She believed everything could be fixed in the end with a little work. But that's just not how it works. She once told me when I was young that Knives was...just that he was DIFFERENT from me, nothing more. She said that he needed my help to adjust to things (she never bothered to mention what these 'things' were-life, humanity). But she never told me what was really wrong, because she couldn't admit it to herself. With every passing day, Knives slipped a little more away from rationality and into his own twisted mind.  
  
To put it simply-more simply than I'd like to-Knives was insane.  
  
Something in the back of my mind screamed that at me all along, but I wouldn't listen. I had to fix him...I had to save him...to take care of him. For Rem. For Rem, the woman who wouldn't say that maybe Knives was unfixable, even if it could have saved her life.  
  
Sometimes there's no turning back. No one is inherently evil-I believe that just as Rem did, and I believe it to this day. But sometimes you can't turn around once you get on that path, and then you fall...like he did. Like my brother did.  
  
All this hit me at once.  
  
Meryl had fallen asleep on top of me. I smiled a little, through the tears I had shed for her, and picked her up. She felt so light in my arms. I started towards the hallway to take her to her room and froze in mid-step.  
  
His voice rang through my mind,  
  
~It would break her very soul to lose you, wouldn't it?~  
  
Then silence like death. Had it been my imagination? My fears playing tricks on me? Or had he gathered the strength to-  
  
~Then what would she do? What do you think?~  
  
I pulled Meryl's sleeping form protectively against me. ~Knives.~  
  
~It would be an interesting experiment. She is an easy victim, isn't she? All she's been through...she doesn't know how to defend herself.~  
  
Choosing to get defensive more than outright angry, I held her closer still and responded. ~You have no idea how strong she is. Don't talk about her like that.~  
  
I could practically see him shrug dismissively. ~If she lost you, she'd be vulnerable. She'd fall into anyone she thought she could trust. Otherwise she'd break down completely.~  
  
~What-what are you trying to say?~  
  
~I don't like how close you've grown. You know that. You deserve better than that vermin. You are a butterfly and she-that creature is a spider.~  
  
~She has taken care of you, Knives. And Milly too. You should be kind to them, or they might just forget to bring you food one of these days.~  
  
Knives disregarded this completely. ~How could you love something like her? A creature so low below you. And you allow her to cry her eyes out to you as if she were your equal.~  
  
~How--?~  
  
~Go on. Take her to her room.~  
  
I took a deep breath, looking down at Meryl's serenely sleeping face. I'll keep you safe, I promised silently as I started walking again. I swear I'll always-  
  
Knives.  
  
Right in front of me, in the doorway to the hall stood Knives, looking unreasonably amused. "Hello, brother."  
  
I jumped back, clutching Meryl tightly. She shifted a little, curling up against me (in a different situation, that would have been great-but at the time it only complicated things). "Knives." I feigned a smile. "I see you're feeling better."  
  
"Have the humans made you so blind? I have been quite self-sufficient for weeks."  
  
I stared at him. He'd been FAKING it? Weeks? Had he been up and around without me knowing? Where'd he go? More importantly-what happened to that unbreakable bond between us? He had to be bluffing. If he'd been up, I would have known-  
  
"You seem surprised, brother."  
  
"Knives, I know you've changed. Don't throw this away just because you're afraid to trust these girls!" I wanted to scream. I wanted to grab him and shake him and tell him to just forget it-but even then, staring into Knives' icy eyes...nothing at that moment was on my mind but protecting Milly and Meryl. I felt a pang of guilt for assuming Knives was up to no good, but-  
  
"If you were gone, there would be no one to protect her, would there?"  
  
I stepped back from him, still cuddling Meryl to my chest like a baby. "Knives, don't do this-"  
  
"She'd be alone. Defenseless. And it would be your fault, Vash, if you couldn't protect her."  
  
Another step back. Meryl. He was after my Meryl-to get revenge on me. "Knives, I don't believe you'd hurt her, but-"  
  
"Yes you do." He moved toward me, and despite his obviously confident stride, I could see him limp just the tiniest bit. He was going to make me pay for doing that to him. "You do. And-you're afraid. You know I'm perfectly capable of it, as well."  
  
Finally I couldn't take it any more. "Stay away from her," I growled through clenched teeth. "I don't want to fight any more Knives. Just leave her out of this."  
  
Knives smirked. "I'll leave you to think about it. Tell her if you like." He spun around abruptly, waving over his shoulder as he walked back to his room. Just before slamming he door he glanced back at me. "I'm sure she'll be awake soon."  
  
Just as the door closed, Meryl's eyes flew open and she nearly tumbled from my arms, pushing away from me and falling to the floor in a heap. She clutched at her head, crying out in agony. "No!" She sobbed. "Get away!"  
  
"Meryl!" I kneeled down and put my hands lightly on her shoulders. "Meryl, what's wrong?"  
  
"Get away!" She threw a good hard punch at me, which I managed to dodge.  
  
"Meryl, it's me! It's Vash!" I squeezed her shoulders gently. "I'm not going to hurt you!"  
  
Her eyes went wide with horror-and she fell into my arms. "No..." She cried weakly. "Vash...I..."  
  
Knives, I thought to myself, biting down on my lip hard enough to draw blood. He did this to her. He hurt her. "Meryl?" I spoke softly, afraid of upsetting her again. "What happened, Meryl?"  
  
"Vash..." She sniffled. "It...it hurt..."  
  
"What hurt?" I urged, trying to keep the rising fear out of my voice.  
  
"I can't explain it," She whispered, tears clouding her eyes again. "I felt...all that pain that I felt when..." She cringed.  
  
He was using her past against her. I couldn't do anything then except to hold her shaking form as she was racked with sobs from her painful memories. "It's late," I finally whispered. "You need rest." She didn't respond, but I scooped her up once again anyway, knowing she must be tired. She leaned further into me, and I could feel her shaking her head in protest. I took a deep breath, looking at the hallway before me.  
  
Meryl was NOT weak. Not by any stretch of the imagination. To see her like this crushed my heart. She clung to me desperately, faintly objecting to my assertion that she needed sleep even as I carried her to her room, closing the door quietly behind me (Milly still snoozed, completely oblivious, in the same room). "Vash, don't..."  
  
"Meryl..."  
  
"Don't leave me, Vash."  
  
I blinked stupidly at her, shocked, as I laid her down on her bed and carefully pulled the covers over her (not an easy task when dealing with someone who absolutely refuses to let go of you). "I-I won't-"  
  
"Please stay with me," She blushed a little and I felt my face flush in response.  
  
"Of course," I said gently, kneeling next to her. "He won't hurt you, you know."  
  
A flash of the good old Meryl shone through her gray eyes. "Do you think I can't take care of myself?"  
  
"I think I should know better than anyone how strong you are," I answered, smiling. "I love you for it, you know."  
  
She blushed again. "That's sweet, Vash." I leaned over and kissed her, more than a little startled when she slid an arm around my neck and pulled me closer. She finally pulled away. "And even though I'm NOT helpless..."  
  
"What?" I couldn't hide my smile at the embarrassed look of her face.  
  
"Would you stay with me tonight?"  
  
"I already told you I would."  
  
She blushed again. "Well just-just don't get the wrong idea. I know you can be a pervert." She threw a pillow at me. "So sleep on the floor or get out."  
  
I grinned. "Yes ma'am, Insurance Girl!"  
  
Nothing could hold her down long enough to get rid of that violent streak, evidently. But she smiled sweetly back at me. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too," I answered, reaching over to brush another kiss on her lips before (somewhat reluctantly) retiring to my place on the floor. 


	9. Chapter Eight :: Need No One

A/N :: Holy flaming grandmas! It's an update! Took me long enough, ne? Thanks for reviews~  
  
I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
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Chapter Eight :: Need No One  
  
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But you don't need my pictures on your wall  
  
You say you need no one  
  
And you don't need my secret midnight call  
  
I guess you need no one  
  
Is anybody waiting at home for you  
  
'Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's  
  
Anybody waiting at home for you  
  
'Cause it's time that will tell this tale  
  
[Train :: Hopeless]  
  
-------------------------  
  
After all that, I'd been left on the floor. Such a demented irony in it all, laying on the cold floor next to the bed where Meryl slept. I probably would have busied myself with sneaking up next to her if I wasn't so terrified. Knives had ATTACKED her. I underestimated him. I knew even then that he was still massively over-exaggerating his strength-after the mental blow he had struck at Meryl, I doubted he'd be up to much for several more days. Then again, I'd already been wrong once.  
  
It wasn't a risk worth taking.  
  
I couldn't sleep at all. I just stared down the door, fearing that the second I drifted off would be the instant Knives would burst in-which I guess was irrational given my previous estimation of how long Knives would be out of commission. I sighed. Almost as irrational as tossing the poor man who just told you he loved you and he'd always protect you on the dam floor beside your bed.  
  
Almost.  
  
Letting my inner annoying romantic come out a little, I sat up and looked over at Meryl. Her face was scrunched into an expression of restlessness, even fear. "Meryl?" I whispered softly, not knowing what I meant to accomplish by waking the woman. Frosty violet eyes blinked sleepily open at me.  
  
"...Vash?" She frowned. "What's...what's wrong?"  
  
"I'm worried about you," I said. I saw the usual Meryl response coming on, but cut it off with what was, looking back on it, a fairly inane ramble. "Okay, I'm TERRIFIED for you. I mean, I know you can protect yourself-and I'm there for you, you know...but..." I looked at the door as if Knives was going to kick it down wielding a chainsaw. "I can't lose you Meryl. I...I need you. I can't..." My eyes welled up with tears. Why? Why did I have to think about- "I can't imagine what I'd do if you were gone. You have to leave. You have to get away from him. Milly too."  
  
Meryl's mouth opened slowly and she blinked as if disoriented. "Don't-don't CRY..." It sounded more like exasperated bewilderment at my never-ending crybaby tendencies than any attempt at comfort.  
  
"Meryl, please-"  
  
"You want me to leave because you don't want me to be gone?" She stared at me. "Do you realize how little sense that makes?"  
  
Well I do NOW, Insurance Girl, but at the time it sounded good. "No-I-"  
  
"Go to sleep, Vash." She started to turn away, but I practically jumped from my position and tackled her to ensure that she was NOT going back to sleep (I realize now that in this process, I'd put both of us on her bed in a rather...compromising position, but that wasn't on my mind at the time).  
  
"I just want you be safe, Meryl." I hugged her tightly.  
  
"Vash..."  
  
I looked at her. "Yes?"  
  
"Could you...?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Could you GET THE HELL OFF ME?" She shoved me hard.  
  
Her angry tone didn't surprise me. After Knives' attack, she'd built back up all those defenses that I had so carefully chipped through only minutes before. Nevertheless, I rolled to one side, keeping my arms around her. "I'm sorry, Meryl."  
  
"You should be," She replied gruffly, trying to pry my arms away from her. I should note, by the way, that Milly remained snoring peacefully through the entire ordeal. I briefly considered chucking a boot at her, but decided this would be in bad form for such a situation.  
  
"You don't have to do this anymore, Meryl," I whispered soothingly. "I wish you'd trust me."  
  
"Who do you think you are?" She growled. "Do you honestly think you can just sneak your way into my bed and then try to talk your way in like...like your doing this for my own good?" She pushed me away again, this time much harder. "You are disgusting!"  
  
I let go of her and sat up, wiping away fresh tears. "What happened to all of that, before he hurt you?" I asked bluntly. "That's all I want to know."  
  
She stared at me. "That meant nothing, Vash. Is that good enough now? I was a fool for saying those things to you. You...you just put me in a...a defenseless position, and I crumbled." She blinked away angry teardrops. "As far as I'm concerned, you used my vulnerability to get-well, just look." She waved her hand to indicate the bed we sat on.  
  
"No..." I said in disbelief. "You can't...Meryl, that's not it at all. You know that! Don't let Knives do this to you!" I clapped a hand over my mouth. That was stupid.  
  
"You think Knives bringing up my past has something to do with this?" She glared icy daggers at me. I had NEVER seen Meryl this angry (ironically, I still sat on her bed, relatively close to her). "You are the absolute most disgusting human being on this planet." She laughed humorlessly. "What am I saying? You're the absolute most disgusting WHATEVER YOU ARE."  
  
My breath caught in my throat. That wasn't fair. No matter what, she didn't have to say that. I stared down at the bed sheets I sat on, ignoring the small wet circles forming as my tears spilled over uncontrollably. I couldn't speak to defend myself. I couldn't even move to get up and leave. I couldn't hide. All I could do was sit there, listening to Meryl's cruel words echo in my mind, every word of it true. I wasn't human. I could never be human. Why should I expect her to accept me? I was just a...a...  
  
I stood, although even now I don't know where I found the energy. Without a word, I walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. Something in the back of my mind vaguely implied that I shouldn't be leaving Meryl alone, but it was muffled by the horrible ache I felt in my heart. My worst fear realized...not just being rejected by her. As far as I was concerned, Meryl had a million reasons to reject me. But THAT-  
  
I reached my room before I even realized I'd been walking. I opened the door, closed it, locked it-blocked out everything. I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling for a very long time...I didn't cry. I couldn't anymore. She didn't mean it, right? She couldn't have. She was angry...but she'd gotten mad at me before. Meryl never said anything like that to me. More than anyone else, she'd been the one to accept me...  
  
Or maybe I still didn't know her at all.  
  
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, if for nothing else then a way to block out the pain I felt. I was suddenly so aware of my scars. They seemed to all burn, screaming at me...telling me I was a fool for thinking she could accept me-even LOVE me. I wasn't like her. I wasn't human. I could never be, never...tears sprang back to my eyes.  
  
Why? Why did she have to say she loved me?  
  
I would be fine if she had just kept that to herself. I lived my whole life being told I was an outsider, a freak, a monster...one becomes numb to it after a while. But then one small taste of that acceptance, that feeling that someone else cares, and it's all gone. I can't handle a little rejection anymore.  
  
I drifted off into what I would barely consider sleep, silently wishing morning would never come. 


	10. Chapter Nine :: Never Ending

A/N :: For the record, even *I* was seriously pissed off at Meryl by the end of that chapter...XD But it's not ENTIRELY her fault, right? . . . . . . . . . right?? ^^; Anywho, this is a short-ish (okay, REALLY short) chapter I guess, and kinda fluffy (or obnoxiously so), but it sets up the next one (at least that's my excuse).  
  
Oh and on yet another completely unrelated note: I'm about to bust into some serious angst, and it's all Jonny Lang's fault.  
  
I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Chapter Nine :: Never Ending  
  
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Everything is clearer now  
  
Life is just a dream you know  
  
That's never ending  
  
I'm ascending  
  
[Yoko Kanno/Mai Yamane :: Blue]  
  
-------------------------  
  
I awoke to a sound I couldn't quite identify at first. I glanced at the clock. It had only been an hour since I left Meryl...and there was the sound again: a gentle knock at my door. It caught me very much off guard, because I knew who it had to be. Milly was just barely CONSCIOUS, and Knives wouldn't bother to knock, lock or no lock on the door. "Come in," I muttered, scarcely awake myself.  
  
"It's...it's locked," Came the reply, a soft, shaky voice that I wasn't used to hearing.  
  
"Oh," I walked to the door, flipped the lock, and opened it. Meryl stood there, looking somehow even smaller than usual.  
  
She wiped a stray tear away from her eyes and looked up at me. "Can I talk to you?"  
  
"Of course," I said, stepping aside to let her in. As she entered, I noted that she had changed into her usual nightclothes (not much more than an oversized shirt), probably trying to sleep and forget about what had happened just as I had been. "Aren't you cold?"  
  
She shook her head a little. "I'm fine."  
  
I shrugged, taking a seat on my bed and motioning for her to do the same. "What did you want to talk about?"  
  
"You know," She said, not so much as glancing over at me.  
  
"Oh," I said, heaving a sigh. Of course I had known, but I had sort of been harboring the irrational hope that I was wrong.  
  
"Could you...could you ever forgive me, Vash?"  
  
I wrapped an arm around her impulsively. "Yes," I answered simply.  
  
"I was just angry Vash," She explained, leaning against me. "What I said to you was...was terrible." Her breath came in ragged gasps. She was crying again.  
  
"But it was true," I interjected.  
  
"No!" Meryl exclaimed suddenly. "No, it's not." Her voice dropped barely above a whisper as she embraced me tightly. "You're...you're more human than anyone I've met, Vash." She paused for a second, but it seemed to me like an eternity. I hugged her back, unsure of what to do. "You're the most loving person any girl could ask for." I could have sworn she smiled for a second. "Isn't that what counts?"  
  
"I don't see what that has to do with-"  
  
"What ever happened to 'love and peace', Vash? I haven't heard you say that in the longest time..." I smiled, looking down into violet eyes that finally looked back at me. She pulled her legs up under her and shifted to sit on my lap. "I guess what I came here to say is that I'm sorry, Vash."  
  
"Then I guess all I have to say is that you're forgiven." I kissed the top of her head. I felt her snuggle closer against me, so I laid back, pulling her down with me. She didn't resist this time, curling up comfortably against me and resting her head on my chest. I pulled the covers up over both of us.  
  
Meryl shifted uncomfortably and for a moment I feared I just put us back where we'd started. "Vash-"  
  
"I didn't mean to-"  
  
"It's okay," She said, although she sounded doubtful.  
  
"Meryl, if you don't mind me asking...what exactly did Knives do?"  
  
She moved so that she could reach up and lazily run her fingers through my hair. I shivered slightly at the sensation. "I can't really explain it," She responded. "I just felt all those memories so strongly..." She cringed a little at the thought. "More pain than I've felt from it since it happened."  
  
"I really didn't think he had the strength to do something like that," I said, shaking my head. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Do you dare blame yourself, Vash. You always do and you never deserve it." Her hand dropped from my hair, tracing along the side of my face and to my neck. My immediate impulse was to tell her to stop, but that idea somehow faded away as her small fingers traced slow circles on my skin. "You don't deserve any of the pain that's been brought on you..." She trailed off into a sigh.  
  
Now I found myself moving nervously. I guess I hadn't expected her to be so...so...enthusiastic about our current position given all she'd been through. She seemed much more comfortable than me. I crossed my mind that perhaps I had put myself in an extremely awkward position. What if she though I was just as big a pervert as that monster that had hurt her? I was as if I had INTENDED to end up like this, it just HAPPENED-  
  
"Vash?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Do you want me to leave? So you can sleep, I mean?"  
  
"What?" This surprised me a little. "No, of course not. Why--?"  
  
"You seem nervous...nervous because I'm here," She said hesitantly.  
  
"It's not that," I said half-truthfully. "I'm just not exactly used to..." To WHAT, genius? What would you like to label this in order to dig yourself into an even DEEPER hole? "To this." Not a half-bad answer if I do say so myself.  
  
"I though I was supposed to be the one who's scared of being together like this," She murmured, sounding altogether TOO amused by my discomfort.  
  
"Well sorry," I answered indignantly. "I told you before you're not the only one who has to feel like that."  
  
"I'm comfortable with you," She answered simply. "Isn't that a good thing?"  
  
"Of course it is, but..."  
  
Her voice was almost too soft to hear. "But what?"  
  
Frustrated with myself, I answered the only thing I could think of. "Nothing."  
  
There was a beat of silence, and then Meryl started moving, pulling away from me. She kissed me lightly on the cheek before standing. "I'm going to bed now, Vash, okay?"  
  
"G'night," I managed, sighing to myself. Way to go, Vash...barely three hours after you told her the truth, you've already gotten her crying countless times, attacked by Knives, and now driven away-oh yes, you are on a roll today.  
  
"Goodnight, Vash."  
  
The last thing I heard before trying again to fall asleep was the door closing. 


	11. Chapter Ten :: Blind

A/N :: Holy flying kiwis, 10 chapters...who has allowed this to go on for so long? O__o;;  
  
I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Chapter Ten :: Blind  
  
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Somebody ought to take you in  
  
Try to make you love again  
  
Try to make you like the way they feel  
  
When they're under your skin  
  
Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you  
  
You wonder why they haven't called  
  
When they said they'd call you  
  
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by  
  
You'll start to think you were born blind  
  
[Matchbox 20 :: Hand Me Down]  
  
-------------------------  
  
I don't even remember falling asleep that night, but I must have, because I was the last one awake the next morning. Milly and Meryl, I noted with relief, had already left for work. The less time they spent in the same house with Knives, the better. He was just too unstable, too unpredictable. I could never be sure what he was going to do...I couldn't even read his moods like I used to.  
  
I started down the hall past Knives' slightly open door. Had he gotten up? Or was it like that last night? ...Could he have gone somewhere? Maybe followed the girls-I practically sprinted toward the kitchen, skidded around the corner and...  
  
"Gah!"  
  
...crashed face first into Knives.  
  
I landed hard, somehow managing to whack my head on the wall in the process (not to mention doing what seemed at the time to be excessive tailbone damage). I rubbed the expanding bump on my head and looked up at Knives, who looked down at me with utter disdain. "With all the nonsense Rem taught you, you would think she would have gotten around to 'no running in the house'."  
  
"Knives."  
  
"I suppose you expected me to follow them to work. Maybe slit one's throat and leave you a nice blood-red trail to find the other." He grinned broadly.  
  
"I never said that." Bastard, I thought. Do you think this is funny?  
  
"Do you know why I didn't?" He paused as if waiting for me to answer the clearly rhetorical statement. He was mocking me. "Because you would have expected that."  
  
It is, isn't it? It's all a game to you. "Knives, why did you do it?"  
  
"Do what?" He said, sounding genuinely innocent (although I was all too aware that it was part of his mockery). "I haven't done anything."  
  
"Don't lie to me. You attacked-"  
  
He shoved me forcefully against the wall, speaking only inches from my face. "I was NOT lying," He spat angrily. His eyes flashed insanely and his fingers dug painfully into the deep scar on my shoulder. "I haven't done ANYTHING. I haven't BEGUN yet, brother, and when I do, you WILL know." He released me and began walking away, muttering (maybe to me, maybe to himself, or maybe to someone else entirely). "Kill the spiders to save the butterflies. It's simple logic. You wanted an Eden, didn't you?"  
  
I didn't follow him as he wandered away, idly mumbling, just watched long enough to see that he was going to his room. He's had an awful lot of time to plan, I thought. I can't underestimate him again. It's too dangerous. My heart ached, thinking of Meryl crying out in pain from Knives' mental attack. I cringed again at the memory of the night before, and I was suddenly overcome with an irrational feeling of missing her. I wished I could have at least seen her before she left this morning, just to make sure she was feeling all right and to say goodbye.  
  
And I wondered if she'd told Milly about...about whatever it was that had happened between us. I smiled, remembering the young woman peeking out the window when Meryl and I sat outside. That...that was really yesterday? It seemed like so long ago...I'd had that same strange feeling last night. I felt that I might have told Meryl I loved her months ago, and that last night was just one of many spent with her. I flushed at my own stupid thoughts. It wasn't as if anything had HAPPENED-  
  
She was right, I thought disgustedly, I am a pervert. I mentally kicked myself back down to sleep on the floor where I belonged, and with a resigned sigh I started down the hall, stopping outside Knives' door and listening. He was still talking, rambling on like a madman. Praying he wouldn't notice me, I stood closer to hear what he was saying:  
  
"I will not be pushed aside again. I'll get you this time, and I'll make sure nothing interferes with that."  
  
I clamped a hand over my mouth to keep from gasping. What the hell was he talking about? Something was wrong, very wrong...something much deeper than I thought before. The only thing worse than a man so mentally unstable that he became homicidal was the same man with a MISSION to accomplish...and I had a feeling that that was exactly what I had stumbled upon. I wanted to cover my ears and run-ironically, a feeling similar to that I had felt when Meryl had told me her secrets-but I stayed, forcing myself to listen.  
  
Silence. Dead, horrible silence, and then a sigh of great exasperation. "Vash, why are you standing at my door? The humans aren't home. You don't have to worry about me doing anything, right?" He laughed humorlessly.  
  
"You were talking to yourself," I said bluntly.  
  
He stared at me, looking annoyed. "That's ridiculous."  
  
"I heard you."  
  
"You're lying." He narrowed his frightening blue eyes. "Get out."  
  
"Knives, maybe if you just tell me what-"  
  
"Get out." His voice was low and sinister. I took a step back.  
  
"I want to help you, Knives."  
  
He stood, clearly angry, and strode over to me in three long steps, and before I knew what had happened, he had pulled his gun from SOMEWHERE and pressed it firmly to my forehead. When did he get that back? How did he find it? AND WHERE WAS I?  
  
"Help me?" He hissed. "Is that supposed to be FUNNY?" He pulled the trigger.  
  
I ducked and shifted to the right. Damn, he's fast-even when he's very clearly going slow enough for me to avoid. "Stop it, Knives." Another shot whizzed past my head. "Look, I can tell you're missing me on purpose, so just KNOCK IT OFF." I reached up and grabbed the gun.  
  
Just like our last fight, I thought. I don't want this to end that way. It doesn't have to end that way.  
  
Knives lowered the gun. "You don't understand," He whispered angrily. "And how could you? You're ONE OF THEM."  
  
"I'm not one of anything," I started slowly, studying my brother's pained expression. He looked so upset...not angrily, violently upset, but truly sad. "We're...we might be different, both of us, but we're all just people, Knives." I spoke slowly, gently, hoping that I wouldn't set him off again. "You and I and Milly and Meryl-"  
  
"No."  
  
"No what?"  
  
"You're like them-like Rem and like that short girl. I'm not."  
  
I squinted at him as if that would help me to decipher his strange choice of words. He continued be fore I cold question it.  
  
"Why were you with her last night?"  
  
"With-with Meryl?" Well with who else? I mentally kicked myself.  
  
"She was in your room." His cold eyes flickered with some indistinguishable emotion.  
  
"Yes, she was," I started slowly.  
  
"Get out," He said again, flatly, evidently discarding any earlier intentions to engage me on this topic.  
  
""All right," I said simply. "Tell me if you need anything, okay?"  
  
"I need nothing from YOU," He spat, before practically shoving me out the door and slamming it in my face.  
  
I stared at the door for a long time, half expecting it to reopen. Strange, I thought. Stranger than usual.  
  
I wandered back to the living area, positioning myself in a chair so that I could see Knives' door and stare dully out the window at the same time-an ironic contrast. I guess I should have been happy that Knives was here and that the girls were elsewhere, but I didn't. Something felt so wrong about their absence. But it was the same as any other day, wasn't it? The girls went off to work and I was left watching over my brother until they came home; the only difference now was that Knives wasn't unconscious...right?  
  
No, not quite. I had not physically seen the girls leave the house that morning, which worried me to an almost irrational end. I woke up much later than usual... after Meryl and Milly had already gone and, more importantly, after Knives had risen. I HAD been up late last night, but that didn't seem like a good explanation either. Could he have--?  
  
I looked over at the door. It was still closed, and at that moment, I found that truly annoying.  
  
But what to do? Even if I asked Knives, he'd tell me he hadn't done anything (not his usual response, but in this situation, it would be his best course of action). Maybe I could sneak over to the restaurant down the street where Meryl was working. It wasn't far, and I could probably get there and back before Knives noticed if I was quiet about it.  
  
I looked at the closed door again.  
  
Probably wasn't going to cut it. I could wait for Meryl to come by for lunch but...nearly four hours of sitting and wondering whether they were okay? I stood and crept to the front door. Either way was too great a risk, but if I left now at least I could be there with them if anything...  
  
One last look at the silent hallway.  
  
I opened the door and soundlessly made my way out of our small house. 


	12. Chapter Eleven :: Final Distance

A/N: This chapter is stupidly short....and possibly stupidly stupid.  
  
I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Chapter Eleven :: Final Distance  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
I wanna be with you now  
  
Futari de distance shijimete (Believe in us together through the distance)  
  
Ima nara maniau kara (Now is the time)  
  
We can start over  
  
Hitotsu ni wa narenai (Because I don't want to be alone)  
  
Itsu no hi ka distance mo (One day, even the distance)  
  
Dakishimerareru you ni nareru yo (Will embrace me, but I'll get used to it)  
  
Yappari I wanna be with you (Because after all, I wanna be with you)  
  
[Hikaru Utada :: Final Distance]  
  
-------------------------  
  
I closed the door silently behind me as I stepped out into the merciless desert heat. This'll be fast, I told myself. Fifteen minutes tops. I'll just go in, say hi to Meryl, and leave.  
  
...of course she'll want to know why I just decided to waltz in to he work and bother her, and I can't very well tell her that I thought she might be dead.  
  
I missed her this morning...that's a good excuse, right? Sure it is. I mean, she knows I love her now, so it's reasonable...  
  
I sighed, coming to a stop in front of the restaurant. And right then I KNEW I shouldn't have come; I KNEW I should turn around that second and run for the house; I KNEW to make sure Knives was still sulking in his room-  
  
I opened the door and walked casually inside. My worries faded to a sort of dumb hopefulness as I watched the waitresses scurrying around in their uniforms. I wouldn't mind seeing Meryl wearing that. I grinned stupidly to myself.  
  
"Hey there!" I called to the man at the counter. "I just wanted to see if Meryl-one of the waitresses here-came in today."  
  
He glanced sideways at me, clearly not amused by my cheerful entrance. "Who?"  
  
"Meryl Stryfe," I said. "Short black hair, violet eyes, about this tall," I held my fingers an inch or so apart. "And beautiful."  
  
He stared at me for a few seconds, evidently finding my comments as equally unfunny as my arrival. "Stryfe?" He repeated, setting down a glass full of...something and sliding it to a customer. "Now that you mention it, she should have been here an hour ago." He frowned. "If you see her, you tell her that she's not getting paid for today. Not a cent."  
  
I could feel the color draining from my face and I tried to hide it with a goofy smile. "Yes sir, I'll tell her that!" Ridiculous smirk dropping from my face, I bolted out of the restaurant. I have to find her. I have to find her...My mind echoed the pounding of my heart. Where...where do I go? Milly- maybe Milly knows where she is.  
  
I found her working near the well-where they had struck water the day I left to fight Knives. Oddly symbolic, or totally irrelevant...or both.  
  
I ran up to Milly, nearly bowling her over. "Milly-you have to--do you know where-did she-"  
  
"What? Mr. Vash? Slow down! What's wrong?"  
  
I took in a deep breath before spilling the whole story-talking to Knives, worrying about the girls, looking for Meryl, everything-to the very confused-looking Milly. "...and when I got there, she wasn't there. She hadn't come in at all...and..." I closed my eyes against the tears of dread that had crept up on me. "Do you know where she is?"  
  
"Oh, Mr. Vash, don't cry." She led me away from the other workers. "It's very sweet that you were so worried about senpai." She smiled.  
  
"But what--?"  
  
"She told me not to tell you, but, well, since you're so upset..."  
  
"Please tell me," I begged, not noticing how desperate I sounded.  
  
"She told me that she wasn't going into work today because she was preparing something special." Milly smiled brightly. "If I didn't know better, I'd say it sounds like she has something very romantic for the two of you." She giggled and nudged me lightly.  
  
"Planning...something? Romantic?" I blinked, entirely confused by the situation. "Meryl?"  
  
Milly's expression turned somewhat more serious-as serious as she could manage, anyway. "She loves you very much, you know. She has for a long time." A scowl suddenly crossed her features. "So you better be good to her, Mr. Vash, or I will be very, very mad at you!"  
  
I blinked a few more times. "Huh? Err-yeah. Of course."  
  
"Of course you will." She patted me hard on the back. "Is Knives at home all by himself now, Mr. Vash?"  
  
The innocent question shot through me like a bullet. "Yes-and I need to get back there now. So if you see Meryl before I do, don't...I mean, just..."  
  
"I'll let her know that you were thinking of her, but I won't tell her I spilled her little secret, okay?"  
  
"Thanks, Milly."  
  
We exchanged our goodbyes and I started back home, still strangely unsatisfied by this supposed explanation. Something even more powerful than dread still haunted me. Something like...guilt. I had started something by leaving the house, and I didn't know what, but it terrified me. My walk turned into a sprint as I kept heading for the little house.  
  
Maybe I'm and overprotective jackass, I thought. But dammit-I want to see her right now.  
  
I skidded to a stop and opened the front door silently, though a part of me said that it wouldn't matter now. I glanced down the hallway. Knives door was wide open, without any sign of an attempt to hide it. A note was pinned to the door with a knife from the kitchen-how very appropriate.  
  
I ripped it off, feeling hot tears well up in my eyes before I even read it. As the words scrawled by my brother hit home, they poured over uncontrollably, smearing the ink. But it didn't matter-I didn't want to read it again anyway.  
  
"Dear brother,  
  
It's a shame that this is the only way I can take her from you. Even if she is alive when you find us, she won't be able to so much as look at you, Vash. Do you want her back? Do you want Rem back, too? That just can't happen, Vash. It was you that taught me how vile these creatures are. How easily they can be turned against each other, or against outsiders. You turned them against me, Vash. You turned Rem against me. You took her from me, and then I took her from you. And so you found another one just like her. Even YOU know that these creatures are expendable, replaceable. And easily molded, as well. Perhaps you've already talked to the tall girl-she is completely under my control. It would serve in your best interests to disregard anything she tell you...although by the time you read this it will make little difference.  
  
You chose to do this to me, Vash. This is entirely your fault, and I will never allow you to forget it. You took everything away from me, and I will do the same to you. If you come after your Spider, her fate will only become worse. Thanks to you, I know her every fear, and I will not hesitate to use them to my advantage.  
  
If you love her, you will not come after her.  
  
This is what you get for trying to become one of them."  
  
"No!" I screamed aloud to no one. "This isn't fair! You can't-you can't do this to me!" I collapsed to the cold floor in a heap. "They never turned against you," I sobbed. "You hurt them! You killed them-you killed Rem! And now..." Milly's face flashed across my mind. Knives had watched her for weeks while bed-redden-or pretending to be-and had created a perfect puppet. And... "Meryl," I croaked into the pitiless floorboards. He had Meryl, and he knew everything-that first attack was NOTHING, just like he had said.  
  
"Meryl, please hold on..." 


	13. Chapter Twelve :: Scattered Glass

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
A/N :: I wasn't originally going to continue this story, but I guess you guys liked it so here it is...^^;;  
  
I didn't want to bump the rating to 'R' because everyone assumes that's lemon now (crazy FFN dropping NC-17 as if that was going to change something ::rolls eyes::)...so this is just your warning for some more...mature themes I suppose?  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Chapter Twelve :: Scattered Glass  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
chirabaru garasu no ue de (Above the scattered glass)  
  
tsumetai kaze ga odoru (A cold wind is dancing)  
  
anata no kaeri o matsu wa (I await your return)  
  
nemuri ni ochiru mae ni... (Before falling into sleep...) sakendeiru watashi no koe ga hibiku (My shouting voice resounds)  
  
yurusarenai anata no tsumi o daite (And I embrace your unforgivable sins)  
  
[Gackt :: Doomsday]  
  
-------------------------  
  
I ran blindly then, scraping myself off the cold floor and into Knives' room, looking for any sign of what may have happened. The logical part of my mind-the small bit that wasn't being drowned out by the terrified blaring of my emotions-knew that he must have done something to assure that I wouldn't wake up. He had to have taken the girls early that morning...before I'd talked to him. He had been so calm, but all along...  
  
I walked across the hall into my room and picked up my gun. Bastard. If Meryl has so much as a scratch on her beautiful body when I get her back, you will pay dearly for it. You'll pay for all the pain you've caused her.  
  
I looked over the entire house for anything out of place, anything that didn't feel right but...nothing. Nothing but the screaming emptiness. It had been a very long time since I was alone in the house. My search finally took me back to Milly and Meryl's room for the tenth time. I know some might say that I was wasting time, but I knew all too well that Knives wouldn't begin until I was there to see him in all of his demented glory. He was so sick...and it disturbed me deeply to think of what I might have to do today to end that sickness.  
  
He couldn't be healed, and he was just going to go on hurting people. But to take the life of my own brother...  
  
A frightened shriek cut through my thoughts with razor accuracy.  
  
-Your hesitation is not going to serve you well, brother,- His voice rang in my ears. -We should be easy to find. Just follow the sound, Vash.-  
  
There was another shrill, pained cry mixed with the laughter of a madman.  
  
-How funny, a spider caught by a butterfly.-  
  
Checking the gun at my hip, I ran out of the house and headed towards the horrible sound. "Meryl?" I called to the empty desert beyond the town. "Can you hear me, Meryl?"  
  
-Just a little further now, brother.-  
  
I clenched my teeth. -What have you done to her?-  
  
-Nothing that hasn't been done before,- Came the sinister reply. I couldn't even begin to wonder what that meant, not now-now I had to find her.  
  
I came upon the abandoned building before I noticed that it was even there- not even an ile outside town. I threw open the rickety door, nearly snapping it off the rusted hinges on which it swung.  
  
"Vash!" A cry of terribly mixed emotions came from the next room over- relieved but scared, happy but so dripping with misery that it crushed my heart.  
  
I turned and entered the chamber, taking barely three steps before I froze, taking in the ghastly sight.  
  
Knives sat in a small wooden chair. He leaned back casually, looking comfortable and quite amused by the whole situation. Meryl sat curled up in a ball-I don't think she even knew I was there. She shivered, and moved as if to conceal herself more-that's when I noticed that her clothing was torn to ribbons. She looked absolutely ragged...but thankfully there were very few injuries to be seen. Three long cuts that swept back over her shoulder was the most prominent (they didn't appear to be deep and weren't bleeding badly); several large bruises splotched her ivory skin in various other places.  
  
Knives smiled at me. "Vash."  
  
Meryl looked up at me and the expression on her face stabbed at my heart. Her eyes looked absolutely void of emotion, save for the appearance of only partly veiled shame. "Vash..." She whispered weakly.  
  
"You missed the best part!" Knives declared cheerfully. "She was fighting like a rabid animal just before you arrived. Now she's gone into a quiet spell."  
  
"What the hell did you do to her?" I demanded.  
  
"Are you going to kill me?"  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?"  
  
"Does it matter?"  
  
I pressed the barrel of my gun against his forehead. "Yes."  
  
"I had won this little game before you even woke up this morning. Your ten minutes of panic only gave me time to come back here."  
  
"Knives, what-"  
  
"Only turned up a few old memories."  
  
Memories. The look of shame in her frosty amethyst eyes. Her torn clothes-  
  
My finger tensed on the trigger.  
  
"Jealous?" He questioned, raising an eyebrow.  
  
My gaze cut briefly to Meryl who had buried her face in her hands and was crying uncontrollably. The way she was sitting...like someone who wished more than anything that they didn't exist. Someone that wanted to disappear and never return.  
  
"You didn't," I said flatly, still refusing the fact that he might have...have...  
  
"Shoot me," He said suddenly, raising himself to his feet. "End this struggle and LET ME DIE."  
  
"Vash," Meryl sobbed. "I...I'm so sorry, Vash." Tears once more drowned her words.  
  
"Knives," I choked out, forcing away my own tears. "Just...just tell me why."  
  
"I already did," He answered calmly. "You took everything from me and I took the only people that ever cared about you away from you. It's all very fair if you think about it."  
  
I took a deep breath, careful to look away from Meryl as I asked the next question. "Did you rape her?"  
  
He blinked, an almost childlike response. "Are you going to kill me if I did?"  
  
"I...I don't know."  
  
"That's not a good answer."  
  
I bit my lip hard. "Did you do it?"  
  
He looked me straight in the eyes. "Yes."  
  
I felt as if a giant animal had stomped all the air out of my lungs. Sure I had probably known, but to see him admit it so freely brought on a whole new wave of anguish. Meryl was crying louder and I was trying my hardest to ignore it for the moment. My finger drew again closer to firing the weapon, now pointed at my brother's heart.  
  
"Shoot me."  
  
"Knives..."  
  
"You know she told you all those years ago that you'd have to."  
  
I stared at him. At Meryl, crumpled into and uncharacteristically helpless little ball. At the gun in my hands.  
  
[Vash, take care of Knives.]  
  
I fired. 


	14. Chapter Thirteen :: Peace

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
A/N :: Okay, I suddenly decided to get all artsy and stupid with this chapter....so sorry in advance for that. Not to mention the flying angstballs....ohh yeah.  
  
Also, I don't need 20,000 reviews telling me that Vash is out of character here. It might seem like it at first, but think about it for a while and it should make some sense.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Chapter Thirteen :: Peace  
  
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kokyuu o kurikaesu (Take another breath)  
  
hitsuyou na mono wa mitsukarazu (You can't find what's important)  
  
subete no yasuragi o kowasu (Destroy all of the peace)  
  
onaji ayamachi o kurikaesu (Make the same mistake over again)  
  
[Gackt :: lust for blood]  
  
-------------------------  
  
Knives fell away from me as soon as I shot him. It was so sudden that it took me a minute to realize I had already done it. I felt as though my hand should have still been laying tensely on the trigger, waiting for my way out. But...I hadn't. I had shot my own brother. Hadn't I? I blinked, utterly disoriented. No...it had all happened so quickly...  
  
I looked down at the gun in my hands and at Knives, sprawled on the floor. Then my gaze turned to Meryl and back to the weapon. This all went very slowly and from a distance in my mind, although Meryl told me it all looked very frantic as she watched me.  
  
It was as if I was completely disconnected from myself, my actions, my mind at that moment, and Meryl and I were both watching as some stranger shot Knives. My brother. My version was just in slow motion and maybe with some boring commentator yakking all through it about how it all could have been done better and maybe the composition wasn't so great even though the shot was clean and...  
  
A funny shade of gray faded over my vision for a moment, then a stream of much-too-intense color, and I kneeled down at my twin's side.  
  
I saw myself call his name from my place in the observation deck of wherever my mind had gone off to.  
  
No answer. Nothing.  
  
I blinked.  
  
No melodramatic ending. No last wishes, not speech about how at the very end, he'd seen that he'd been so wrong and Rem had been right. Nothing for me to grasp onto to make myself believe there had been any good in my last horrible action.  
  
Dead. Dead as a damn doornail and there wasn't anything I could do about it now.  
  
I looked at Meryl. I don't remember what I said, but I remember seeing the violet in her eyes frost over with silver and a mist of tears. She reached over—struggling somewhat to bundle her ripped clothes around herself enough to cover up-- and told me something meant to be reassuring, which was more than a little ironic. It was a standard it'll-be-okay kind of line...I don't remember it now, but it wasn't important, and still isn't.  
  
Still feeling totally disconnected from the horror I was swimming through, I hugged Meryl close to me. A completely empty motion, void of emotion and more of an act of desperation; born of that terrible desperation to know that I was in fact still in the room with her than anything else. Her skin felt warm and soft, but somehow it wasn't the same kind of feeling I usually got from such contact. Rather, it was...nothing. Nothing.  
  
She looked at me with her teary gaze again, a gaze that simply begged for chaos. A chaotic storm to carry her away in the wind. A hurricane of empty, imagined feelings to get caught up in rather than bother with anything else. She used to say she wanted structure, or to be normal....to escape the life she'd had a child, I guessed. Her subconscious pleaded otherwise.  
  
She needed it. She needed so desperately to be hurt to so much as function...she'd never known otherwise. It hurt me so badly...not for completely selfless reasons.  
  
I sighed, letting her fall against my chest with a dull sound. I couldn't do it. I couldn't possibly give her what she needed; I never could and I always knew it. But I wanted to...  
  
Tears stung my eyes and Meryl, looking frail as ever, squeezed me tighter. I couldn't focus my attention upon anything but the body of my brother. Meryl called out to me several times before I took notice and looked down at her. She started to speak but I closed my eyes and turned away again.  
  
Not now...I can't do this now...  
  
I don't really remember walking home; I just know we did, and that Meryl wore my shirt (more than long enough to cover her completely). I remember standing and giving her the garment, then walking hand in hand out of the building...and then being home.  
  
Being back at the house...  
  
Meryl was too shaken for me to even begin to tell her about Milly, and I was too shaken to go find out what had really happened. It occurred to me that I didn't, in actuality , know whether the other girl was alive or dead. Meryl sat on the couch and looked over at me expectantly, evidently waiting for some comfort from me. Comfort from me, the murderer, the one and only one that may have been more screwed up than her. I couldn't muster up the energy to care at that time, and looking back I'm not sure if I would have done it differently.  
  
Before killing my brother, I had envisioned somewhat of what the day would hold: Meryl telling me all that had happened, probably in more detail than entirely necessary, and me dishing out yet another Standard Line, because it really could be okay you know, if only...  
  
If only, if only, if only.  
  
Who cares?  
  
If only I cared.  
  
Just deal with it yourself. You can't dump this on me. You can't make me do this.  
  
I stared at her for a long while. Raven black hair falling over flawless ivory skin, frosty amethyst eyes reddened by miserable tears, and wearing my shirt over what now had become the equivalent of rags.  
  
Meryl. Meryl Stryfe, the perfect victim in the eyes of every predator along the path. A beaten child, a runaway, an Insurance Girl, and the victim again. She stared back at me and this time I didn't care what she saw.  
  
I turned and walked out of the room, down the hallway past the door where a thin little sliver of notch had been etched in deeply by a knife, and into my own room. I slammed the door, locked it behind me, and waited.  
  
Any second now...  
  
The most horrible wailing I'd ever heard in my entire life erupted from the room where Meryl still sat. I continued staring at the wall across from me, listening with half an ear and maybe only a quarter of an interest in the screaming. The howling sobs only got louder over the indeterminate hours she stayed in that room and I stayed staring ahead of me (without the slightest intention of going out there to shut the terrible sound up, I might add).  
  
Let her cry until she can't anymore.  
  
If only I cared. 


	15. Chapter Fourteen :: Give Me Up Again

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
A/N :: Whoa...angstball reference in the reviews! You mean someone reads my author's notes? Oo;; Great, now I have to watch what I say...  
  
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Chapter Fourteen :: Give Me Up Again  
  
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Make up your mind take me or leave me  
  
I'll be doing fine with or without you  
  
I'm wasting my time letting you deceive me  
  
The truth is in your eyes but I deny what I see, time and time again  
  
I let you get back under my skin, I let you break me down again  
  
I let you get close, way too close, But I see through it  
  
You gave me that smile and I gave in, and you knew that I would  
  
Time and time again you pulled me in, just to give me up, give me up again  
  
[Jonny Lang :: Give Me Up Again]  
  
-------------------------  
  
Several minutes of staring at the wall turned into an hour, and a revelation crossed my mind. I had intended, with some subconscious portion of myself, to shut myself up in here for a moment of reflection, hadn't I? But a thought hadn't so much as crossed my mind until now. This apathy was unlike me, I knew. I didn't like it. It was an ugly part of my soul that I had always made a point of holding captive. After all, I'd been raised on the idea that love, peace, and a bit of judgment before violence could get me out of any situation and that, above all, life and the love that came with it should be respected.  
  
So how did I end up here, alone behind a locked door, while she lay in the other room crying?  
  
Meryl also hadn't been herself. Her reactions were sporadic and strange. I could usually predict her actions well enough, having known the cool-headed woman for so long, but for the last few days, she'd been so...broken. It wasn't that she hid her weaknesses, it was just that she rarely gave in to anyone enough to even BE weak. To say that Meryl was strong was like saying that Knives had a few screws loose. I'd never met someone like Meryl...except, maybe, Rem.  
  
I decided that the ache in my heart took precedence over the dent in my pride, and I went to confront Meryl again. We could clear this up, I reassured myself silently, repeatedly. Even though this was bigger than anything else we'd been through, there was still time to—  
  
I blinked and scanned my eyes over the room.  
  
"Meryl?" My breath caught in my throat. Where'd she go? "Please...Meryl..."  
  
A small hand on my shoulder caused me to spin suddenly. There she was, cleaned up and changed out of her ragged clothing, looking as if nothing has happened at all. She held my shirt out to me, neatly folded. "Thank you for that," She said in her usual matter-of-fact Insurance Girl tone. "And...I'm sorry about the way I acted earlier." Her voice softened a little and her eyes fell away from mine. "And I don't want you to feel guilty—"  
  
"I don't."  
  
She looked up at me in surprise. "Well that's—that's good Vash, because what you did—"  
  
"You don't have to go through it this time, Meryl." I smiled a little. "I don't think...I don't think it would have been fair to anyone, Knives included, to try and change him again." The grin quickly faded. "Are you...are you all right?"  
  
She looked uneasy. "I don't know."  
  
"Do you need to see a doctor or anything?" I bit my lip. I wasn't really sure what to ask her in such a situation, but I guessed that whether it was appropriate timing or not, it had to be asked.  
  
"I—I don't want you to get taken in for shooting him. If I go..."  
  
"If you need to go, then go." I put my hands on her shoulders, staring intensely into her eyes. "You don't have to tell anyone anything...just...I just want to make sure he didn't hurt you." I cringed. Of course he'd hurt her, Vash the Idiot, but—evidently she understood and leaned in to hug me.  
  
"Vash..." Her voice came shakily now as she drew closer still. "Where's...where's Milly?"  
  
I swallowed hard. "I don't know."  
  
"Would you—would you find her for me? I just can't right now." I could hear the underlying message in her frightened tone—I don't think I could handle finding my best friend dead right now.  
  
"Of course," I answered, rubbing her shoulders lightly.  
  
"Thank you, Vash."  
  
I studied her for a moment, desperately trying to read the expression underneath her half-cloaked outer facade. "Do you want me to go now? I can walk you to the clinic down the street on the way, all right?" She nodded slowly. "If I'm not there when you're ready to leave, just wait for me." I smiled a little. "I promise I'll be there."  
  
We walked outside after I had retrieved another shirt that sufficiently hid the scars slashed across my body and walked silently down the street. I kept my arm around her the whole time and I remember a few other couples (other couples—that felt good to say) look over at smile at us. I gave her a quick kiss and we parted ways.  
  
I walked slowly towards the area I'd spoken to Milly that morning—or rather, spoken to Knives through Milly. A group of her fellow workers had gathered around, kneeling near where she lay. I saw her reach up and clutch her head, and I breathed a sigh of relief. A doctor, whom I noticed for the first time then, helped the tall girl to her feet and she spied me immediately.  
  
"Mr. Vash!"  
  
I couldn't come up with any words to correctly convey my relief at seeing her spring towards me, so I simply returned her embrace as she nearly tackled me. "Milly..."  
  
The doctor walked over to us and smiled brightly. "This one gave us all a bit of a scare earlier," He began, sounding like a proud grandfather before a medical professional. "But she pulled right on through. I can't seem to find anything wrong with her at all, much less the cause."  
  
"They said I fainted right after I spoke to you, Mr. Vash---but I don't remember even seeing you today. Until now, of course." She cocked her head slightly to one side like a confused animal.  
  
"I think you should come home now, Milly. There's—there's a lot of things I have to tell you."  
  
She looked suddenly worried. "Senpai...?"  
  
I nodded quickly and motioned for her to walk with me. Walking at a painfully slow pace, we headed back towards the clinic where Meryl and I had gone or separate ways. I explained all that had happened, gingerly stepping around the issue of exactly what Knives had done to Meryl and exactly what I had done to Knives.  
  
"Wait here," I instructed when we arrived at the modest building. "I'm going to get Meryl. I'll be right back."  
  
Milly nodded slowly. Her bright eyes gazed dejectedly downwards. She was far to smart to not know what had really happened, even based on my rather sparse retelling of the events of the morning.  
  
I peered around the squeaky-hinged door and into a short corridor. Stepping inside, I felt my footfalls echo too heavily on the floor as I trudged forward. Dread took over me for no logical reason. Meryl sat in a rickety chair in the far corner of the lobby, wringing her hands in agitation.  
  
"Meryl?"  
  
She looked up. "Oh, I didn't even see you, Vash." Her small hand clasped around mine almost immediately and I felt the unfamiliar sensation of a blush creeping over my face.  
  
"Is—uh, is everything okay?" I asked lamely, hoping she wouldn't notice my reddened cheeks.  
  
She nodded. "Is Milly...?"  
  
"She's right outside," I assured.  
  
I received a very Meryl-like scowl in return. "You made her wait outside?"  
  
"Well I wanted to come get you myself and—"  
  
"Honestly, Vash..." She grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and dragged me unceremoniously out the door, chiding me the whole time for leaving her friend to wait out side after all she'd been through and everything she'd had to do and all the trouble I'd caused and...  
  
Some things never change, Insurance Girl. That's one thing I can say for sure. 


	16. Chapter 15 :: Forgotten

I don't own Trigun/and if you do/I have no money/please don't sue!  
  
A/N :: Finally! We've reached the peak of everything...heehee. I guess you could say I'm a little uncertain about this chapter, so I'm just going to throw it to you, O Great Reviewers, and hope for the best.  
  
This is technically 'the end' for this fic, but it's not The End! There will be a sequel soon. I have a few ideas for fics I want to do in the meantime; one will be another Trigun romance (but of a different kind) with one of my favorite pairings -_^ So please take a look at that too whenever I get around to posting...  
  
Thanks again for putting up with my slowness for many, many chapters! LOVE AND PEACE~! ^___^V  
  
hybrid rainbow  
  
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Chapter Fifteen :: Forgotten  
  
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Donna toki datte (No matter what the time)  
  
Tada hitori de (I'm just alone)  
  
Unmei wasurete (Destiny forgotten,)  
  
Ikite kita no ni (Even though I kept going.)  
  
Totsuzen no hikari no naka me ga sameru (Inside of the sudden light I awaken)  
  
Mayonaka ni (In the middle of the night)  
  
[Hikaru Utada :: Hikari]  
  
-------------------------  
  
The walk home was long, silent, and awkward. I didn't have the least bit of an idea of what to say to either of them. To be honest, I'd expected more of an emotional breakdown from both of them, particularly Milly. It's kind of sad, now that I really think about it. Chaos I can handle. Silence kills me.  
  
We got home soon enough—it didn't SEEM soon enough—to the horribly empty house. The girls entered and I closed the door behind them; it was nothing new and nothing ordinary, save for the choking fog of quiet that hung in a thick cloud over my surroundings. Meryl took her usual seat (her desk by the window) and Milly stood uncomfortably just inside the door, staring at her feet. I hovered between the two, feeling the sudden, overwhelming urge to bury myself under the floorboards and have them nailed down from the outside.  
  
"Vash," Meryl said finally. "Don't just stand there looking stupid. We're fine. It's over. Let's forget it all."  
  
Milly looked up, crystal blue eyes starting to mist with tears. "We can't just forget it, senpai. Mr. Vash—maybe we should talk about it. If we just sort everything out, we'll all feel better ,and we won't have to keep it all to ourselves—"  
  
"The sooner this is over, the better," Meryl broke in sharply. "And as far as I'm concerned, it's already over. Drop it."  
  
I looked between the two women again, half looking to Milly for support. "I don't think forgetting about it is going to help, Meryl."  
  
"Maybe it won't help you, but it works for me. If you two want to sit and cry, then that's fine, but I'm not going to." She brushed her black hair away from her eyes and stood. She planted her hands on her slender hips and scowled. "What are you trying to prove, anyway?"  
  
Milly looked at the floor again. "Senpai...you're not being very considerate of Mr. Vash's feelings," She swallowed hard. "I'm sure he's having a hard time too."  
  
"Somehow I doubt that."  
  
I stared at her for a minute before answering. "What—what's that's supposed to mean? You think I don't care about what happened?"  
  
"Does it matter? You'll say you do either way." She sighed, exasperated. "Look—you two cry and carry on all you like. Just keep it down." With that, she turned down the hall, past the knife-wounded door, and disappeared. It seemed like so short a distance at the time, simply around the corner in her room. I just wish I'd known then...  
  
I wish so much that I can't stand it...  
  
But I didn't give her actions a second thought then. Milly was still quite shaken up, and I felt obligated to help her. True, Meryl was obviously hurting—that had been the source of her outburst whether she'd admit it or not—but I thought it best then to help Milly until her partner had a little time to cool off by herself. Of course it was a mistake...but that's another part of the story.  
  
Milly sat next to me on the sofa. I noticed vaguely that it was a pretty cheap piece of furniture, starting to go all ragged though we hadn't even had it a year. But money had been tight and it had seemed nice at the time. Desperation will do that to you; if it's what you need, gravel can look like a mountain of diamonds. I traced a little tear in the stitching with one finger.  
  
"Mr. Vash," Milly began sadly. "You didn't tell me the whole story before."  
  
This was certainly not a question, and I would not treat it as such. "You're right. I didn't."  
  
"I'd like to hear it now."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
A brief pause. "Yes."  
  
- - -  
  
The rest of the day passed in largely the same way. I sat in a little lifeless lump on the couch by the door, Milly came in and out to talk, then went off to do whatever it was she was doing—some of it was cooking, that's all I know—and I didn't see much of Meryl at all.  
  
The first time I did see her was perhaps three hours after her initial disappearance. She walked in calmly, if not a little slowly, and sat at her desk. There was a brief pause, then she started typing. She didn't look up once. She did not acknowledge me, nor did she show any sign of having reason too. Just the click-click-click of typing for maybe twenty minutes. I watched her, somewhat fascinated.  
  
"Please stop staring at me," She mumbled without looking up.  
  
"What are you typing?"  
  
"None of your business."  
  
"Meryl, are you sure you don't want to talk about what happened?"  
  
"Not now. I'm busy."  
  
Well, I thought smugly, 'not now' is not 'never.' "With what?"  
  
"I told you that it's none of your business." Click-click-click.  
  
"I think it is my business, if it's important enough that you can't talk to me."  
  
"Fine." She tore the sheet from her typewriter and handed it to me. "It's a letter of resignation."  
  
"You're—you're quitting your job?"  
  
"You catch on fast."  
  
"But why? You always said you loved your job. And money is so hard right now as it is, Meryl..."  
  
"I have my reasons." She sat next to me, closer than I'd expected her to. "I'm not ready to tell you yet."  
  
I cautiously put an arm around her. "All right. But whenever you're ready—"  
  
"You'll be there," She laughed ironically and I wasn't sure why. "I know." She leaned against me, and closed her eyes. "You're always there for me, aren't you?"  
  
- - -  
  
I thought everything was all right after that—Meryl had been so peaceful and she said she was going to tell me what was going on, Milly was reverting to her cheerful self, and I was slowly starting to believe I'd done the right thing.  
  
As I sat in my room some four hours after learning of Meryl's intentions to quit her job, it all came crashing down.  
  
There was a light knock and I opened the door. Meryl looked up at me, not with sadness but with a sort of strange anticipation that I couldn't place. She stepped inside quickly, glancing over her shoulder as if afraid someone would see.  
  
"I—I'm ready to talk now, Vash."  
  
I frowned a little. Something wasn't right about this. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
I closed the door behind her and offered her a seat next to me on my bed. "What is it you want to..." I trailed off, seeing the expression on her face. "Meryl, what's wrong?" She didn't answer. "Meryl...?" I took her hand. "You can tell me, Meryl. I know this is hard—"  
  
"You don't understand."  
  
I started to speak several times before I actually managed to form words. "Maybe—maybe not. But if you just tell me—"Before I had a chance to completely sort out the situation, I'd been nearly tackled by the little insurance girl, She kissed me, first just a quick peck, the second...not so quick. I pulled away (somewhat regrettably) when she moved in once more. "Meryl, what are you doing?" It was quite the pitiful position, pinned down staring at the ceiling by a woman half my size.  
  
"I don't know, Vash," She admitted slowly, laying her head on my chest. "I'm just afraid, I guess. Scared I'll never have the chance again."  
  
And that was it. It hit me like a wave of heat, like opening the door into the desert, just a blast of pain. And you wanted to close the door and just say 'forget it', but you had to plunge right on into it. I finally figured out what this was all about.  
  
This was goodbye.  
  
I didn't want to come right out and say it, but I could feel it like an icy knife in my heart. This could be the last time I'd see her. I forced back tears; I didn't want her to know that I had already figured it out. I held her a little tighter. "You always have the chance," I said slowly. "Whenever you take it."  
  
She sighed heavily as if just to confirm that my fears were correct. "You're sweet, Vash. You're a lot of trouble, and a giant pain in the ass, but in the end—I still love you."  
  
"Thanks...I think." I scooted over so she could lay next to me. "I love you too."  
  
"I'd like to believe that," She said sadly. "But it's getting more and more difficult."  
  
"It doesn't have to be," I chided gently. "You can't let yourself over- think a thing like love. It's there or it's not." I kissed her forehead. "Ad in this case...it's definitely there. And I think we should hold on to it for all it's worth. A lot of people—including you, sometimes—might say I'm too optimistic, or a dreamer, or delusional, but I believe what I say."  
  
"I know you do—that's what makes you so hard to get rid of." She jabbed me in mock annoyance.  
  
"You used to say it hurt you when I left," I mumbled, half to myself.  
  
"It did, Vash." She cuddled against me—a sudden display of affection which I wasn't quite prepared for. "Why do you think I chased you around all those years? My job?" She laughed.  
  
"I had a feeling it wasn't about that."  
  
Suddenly, she propped herself up on one elbow. "Are you being calm just so I won't break down?"  
  
I blinked. "Wh—what?"  
  
"I took care of you after you...after the incident with Legato. I saw firsthand what it did to you." She ran a hand through my hair. "Do you think I can't see through you now?"  
  
"Meryl..." I rubbed my eyes furiously. I couldn't cry now. Not now, damn it. "I'm too worried about you right now to deal with...the rest of what happened."  
  
"You shouldn't worry about me," She answered, sounding suddenly exhausted.  
  
We laid together for a long time. She dozed off once or twice and so did I, eventually. I awoke to empty arms and a distant clunking sound from Meryl's room—the sounds of various items being thrown together for no good reason. I drifted off again, and when my eyes fluttered open, Meryl was back. I felt her kiss me very lightly before I fell asleep again, utterly overcome with fatigue now. I hadn't felt tired earlier, but given the opportunity, I fell in to the open arms of sleep.  
  
I slept hard, dreamlessly, and when I awoke to the purple glow of twilight some hours later, Meryl was gone.  
  
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///  
  
Hold me  
  
Whatever lies beyond this morning  
  
Is a little later on  
  
Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all  
  
Nothing's like before  
  
/// 


End file.
